a_lifetime_of_stories

Navigating Mental Health in Writing

Tue, 28 Apr 2026 17:38:34 GMT

In Honor of Mental Health Awareness Month

When it comes to writing in the mental health world, there is a lot to take into consideration. You want to share your story but do so in a way that is not triggering for others or will be sensitive to stories that are different than yours. There is a lot of content out there as the nonfiction sector for mental health continues to grow through self-help books, educational materials and the telling of our loved ones' stories. However, I will be touching on the writing of personal essays or your own memoir.

It is important to remember who your audience is when writing your mental health related story. You want to remember how you would treat an individual if they were sitting face to face in front of you and what you would say to them in order to consider their emotional space and their own thoughts or feelings. Think about how you would approach telling them your story in person and how you would be sensitive in how you share your struggles. This is what you want to put on paper. Just like you would be careful about the words that are coming from your mouth, you want that care to translate into your writing as well.

Word choice is also incredibly important around the topic of mental health. It is very easy in today's culture to dismiss what someone is going through or to downplay a mental health diagnosis. It is like saying that someone is so "OCD" just because they like everything neat and tidy...but it is so much more than that for an individual that is actually diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Or when the weather reporter says that the weather is so "Bipolar" when in fact, that is downplaying the seriousness of Bipolar Disorder in which a lot of people have died by suicide from or are unable to function in daily life. If you also noticed, I used the wording "died by suicide" because when we say, "committed suicide," that makes it seem like the individual committed a crime when in fact, they died from a deadly mental health condition.

A mental health journey is a very sensitive topic in general, and you never know what someone else might be going through and so it is important to know your audience and what would be okay for you to share and what would be better left unsaid. Details are what I am talking about here. For example, if you have attempted suicide before, it would be better to leave out the details of how you attempted. If you have experienced self-harm, it would be better to leave out the means of how you harmed yourself. If you have an eating disorder, it would be better to leave out the deep details of your behaviors. It is for the protection of others that we leave out the detailed parts of our story while still sharing our overall struggles to help cultivate hope and healing.

This leads me into our purpose for writing about a mental health journey. It should still always be about the audience we are writing to. The main idea should be to provide a means of hope and to make a connection in order to encourage others along their own journey. You never know the connections that you will be able to make, just by being brave enough to share your own story first! We can still share a sense of hope, even when our stories are filled with darkness and despair, because where there is darkness, the light only shines brighter. Our stories should never lead someone down a path of destruction, and it definitely should never be intended to do so. You might wonder how to ensure that this would not happen when some stories are just so broken...you do have to pull out some piece of positivity in the end.

As difficult as it might be to find the silver lining in some very broken stories, what I have found helpful is to think of something that you are thankful for and share that towards the end. You could also share some coping skills that have helped you along your journey or some tips that you have found helpful along the way like having a set routine or having loved ones keep you accountable. You could share who your support system is comprised of or someone that has had an impact on your life. You could share the things that you do enjoy doing or a unique experience that you have had. You could even share how your mental health story has given you different lenses to see the world through and that you hope your story will make a difference. That in and of itself is a positive statement that you hope your story will reach others to let them know that they are not alone.

There is so much more that I can share, but ultimately, if you feel compelled to write your story, I encourage you to write it and share! We could all use a bit more of connection, hope, and love in this world. <3

Life with a Service Dog

Wed, 01 Apr 2026 19:46:40 GMT

Meet my Shadow Angel

I have been beyond blessed to be matched with Shadow for about a year now through Paws for Life USA! At this point, we are very connected with one another and know each other well to make both of our lives so much easier although there's always more to work on! And here's just a sneak peek into our journey together:

I had to think long and hard about whether or not a service dog was right for me and if the timing was right as well. It was actually my trauma therapist that brought up the idea of getting one because she thought it might be most beneficial for me when going into public places since this creates a lot of anxiety for me. The timing was also perfect because my treatment team was worried about how I could maintain independence with my mom moving far away and with her being my main caretaker. All my past experiences of living independently did not turn out so well and it helps me to have direct accountability. That's where Shadow comes in!

Knowing that I have to take care of another being, pushes me to take better care of myself so that I can care for her. This means having to feed myself, knowing that I have to feed her, and it means getting out of bed to take her for a walk instead of staying stuck in one spot for hours in a day. You may think "well, any dog can do that" and that's true, but she can do so much more!

Over the past year, she has learned to paw at me and bug me before my mood shifts into a negative spiral that might be hard to get out of by myself. In the beginning, I would get annoyed that she kept bugging me only to learn the hard way of what she was actually trying to alert me to. Now, when she does, I know what steps to take in order to keep myself in a good place or at least lessen the emotional shift the best that I can. Not only that, but she knows deep pressure therapy and will lay on certain parts of my body to hit pressure points that can calm me. It's pretty fascinating!

Something else that is really fascinating that she has been getting better at, is stopping me from scratching myself in general. You may wonder why this is important for me, but it is because scratching is a form of self-harm that I used to struggle with immensely and I still get urges sometimes to do so. Therefore, if Shadow notices me scratching my arm at all, she will nudge and interrupt me so that the urge or temptation is not there or will dissipate with distraction and giving her attention as well.

Perhaps the biggest blessing of all, is the fact that I used to have such heightened anxiety, that going out to public places was a very difficult task. Now, because of Shadow, I actually have my life back and am able to go any and everywhere, still with some anxiety, but it is significantly less with her by my side and that feels like a miracle that I can only thank God for. We've been to so many places and travelled all over the country in the last year and will continue to do so in the years to come!

This was of course, just a sneak peek because she knows so much more and is working on so many more things as well because there is always room to grow! But of course, a service dog is expensive and comes with a lot of expense and so I'm sharing my GoFundMe page here:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/growing-up-in-an-abusive-household-creates-a-need-to-cope?attribution_id=sl:61f35d14-ee56-46c8-a882-a8f3f431c9f8&lang=en_US&ts=1750208649&utm_campaign=man_sharesheet_dash&utm_content=amp14_t2-amp15_t1&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link&v=amp14_t2

Your support for me and Shadow would be a blessing! <3

A Troubling Mind

Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:20:32 GMT

The Game of Chess You Rarely Win

I was recently incredibly blessed to have been a guest speaker on the podcast, "Elisha's Space" where the intersection of faith and mental health is talked about. Throughout the conversation, I shared some of my story and talked about my newly released book, Brokenness Restored: The Path to Recovery is a Healing Journey . What I did not expect to take away from that conversation, was just how troubling the mind can be, and most specifically...my mind.

I was asked a question that was deeply insightful and honestly, it caught me a bit by surprise. Rarely does anyone ever ask someone to describe the internal mind of someone living with the eating disorder Anorexia because most people only see the physical effects of the disorder. It is usually the external shell and physical symptoms that are discussed and more prevalently pushed because that is where most people, especially professionals are worried about the individual's health, rightly so. However, an eating disorder is first and foremost a mental health disorder although it clearly affects the physical.

On the podcast episode, I was asked how Anorexia affects me spiritually and mentally on a day-to-day basis and by being asked that question, I felt most clearly seen. I think that if you've been following my journey, you may already know that I have named the eating disorder voice in my head as "Ed" for eating disorder. The positive voice in my mind is "Hope" and honestly, shout out to Hope for having to share a living space with negative, bullying, awfully critical Ed.

Recently, my fiancé (yes, I'm engaged now!) has expressed many times how he wishes he could take away my struggles and pain. I think my most common response has always been that he would not be able to survive a day in my head. In fact, I usually say that most people would not be able to survive the troubling mind that I have. If I were truly honest about how my mind operates, the depth of darkness clouds a significant portion, but it is only by the strength of God that I am able to still carry on and live out my life each day. I will carefully claim that the amount of negative thoughts and critical self-talk that filters through my mind on a daily basis would be too much for the average person to handle.

Of course, I don't want to discredit the amount of progress that has been made through treatment and years of therapy, as well as the fighting of said thoughts because I am still working to lessen the negativity. However, I only share the troubling of my mind to share what it is like for someone living with mental illness. It is not just for Anorexia of course, but for all the other mental health disorders that I face. It helps for me to explain it like the game of chess. I've never played, but I know that it takes strategy and intentional focus. My mind is sort of like a chess board where the opponent is Ed (black pieces to represent darkness for metaphorical reference) and my player is Hope (white pieces to represent light for metaphorical reference).

The game itself could be thought of as one situation in which I have to make a decision. In this case, let's say that it is almost dinner time, and I am supposed to eat a meal. Hope desperately wants to make a move that would mean that I make myself or heat up dinner, but the issue is that Ed has already blocked the spot that Hope wants to reach. She tries a different route, but again, finds herself trapped or blocked. The game continues and she repeatedly tries to fight with positivity and logistics of why it is important to eat full meals but ends up finding herself having to break the rules of the game, bending and twisting them a bit, only to find herself right back in the middle of a mess. This breaking of the rules is a bit like restricting the amount of food I eat because technically I am still eating dinner, but just not the full amount. In a way, Ed still won the game even if Hope technically trapped the king because she won by cheating.

That is just one explanation, but of course there could be many others, especially if the game is thought of as life itself. It is an ongoing chess match that never ends. There may be some days where Hope makes a move that she is thrilled with and there may be other times where Ed has taken out a knight or a pawn. This is the reality of a troubling mind and the chess game that you rarely win. However, I have hope that one day, Hope will be the reoccurring victor, and the long hard days of Ed's reign will come to an end. After all, I'm here and I'm thriving even despite the troubling of my mind - resilience shines through.

Depth of Love

Mon, 02 Feb 2026 20:57:34 GMT

Seeing the Love of God Most Deeply in the People Around Me

Something that I've learned throughout the years of not only the childhood I lived, but especially throughout my treatment days, is the fact that I most deeply see the love of God through the people around me. It is one thing to know that someone loves you, but it becomes the next level when someone goes out of their way to show you that love. Throughout my time in treatment, I knew that God loved me, and I also knew that there were people around me that loved me too. But then, I could not wrap my mind around the fact that strangers were showing me love and care even though they knew nothing of me. Sure, sometimes it was their jobs, but not always.

It could not have been coincidence that there always seemed to be someone at the exact right place and time that I needed them. It could not have been chance that my cry for help was always answered, even though it was not always in the way that I wanted or expected. That must be the understatement of the century, because let me tell you from firsthand experience that God does not work in the way that you think He will and most definitely not always in the way that you want Him to. However, He has sent me multitudes of people not only in the depths of my pain but on the best days to either lift me up or continue to cheer me on.

As Valentine's Day approaches this month, I encourage you to not only celebrate the idea of love and to connect with your significant other or loved ones, but I hope that you take a moment to reflect on the ways that you have seen the love of God through other people in your life. Maybe you see it most clearly when someone does something to surprise you and that reflects how God does surprising and miraculous work. Or maybe you see it most clearly when someone comforts you in your fear, just like God does for us through His word in the Bible. Or maybe you even see it most clearly when someone wraps you in a hug because that is a reminder that God has you in the palm of His hand. It can remind you of so many things!

Being around people in general and not just my loved ones have allowed me to open my eyes to not only the beauty of God's creation of mankind, but that we are created in His image and we can resemble Him and bear His likeness in some ways. Every time I see someone lending a kind hand, offering a smile across the room, or speaking gently with care, I can see the reflection of God and there are times where it can be breathtaking. I often have to pause and dwell upon the fact that I serve such an amazing God that I can see His hand and the depth of His love no matter where I go or who I meet.

Of course, I am not neglecting the fact that there are people that do not reflect the love of God at all and that I have met too many of those to count that I wish I did not...but I do understand that it is because we live in a fallen world that is filled with sin and broken people. Some people can come close to the likeness of God's love, but it will never be perfect on this earth. Have you wondered why I used the image of locks that line a fence where people that love each other lock away their secrets? It is because we are just like one of those locks. We exemplify love, care, and commitment on the outside, but we hold a secrecy of sin internally that keeps us bound while we are still on this earth. It is only in heaven that we will truly be free and capable of letting God's perfect love flow through us!

So again, as you spend Valentine's Day with your special someone or even just the people that you deeply love and care about, I encourage you to think about how you see the love of God through those people around you. How do their actions remind you that there is a heavenly father that cares deeply for you? How do their words remind you that there is a God that loves and accepts you for who you are? How do their characteristics remind you that God so lovingly created each and every one of us so uniquely in His image? I pray that you are encouraged and reminded each time you see the people you love or when someone treats you with care that you are deeply loved and cared for by God above.

Braving the Cold

Wed, 31 Dec 2025 17:13:12 GMT

Continuing the Fight into a New Year

Things can only get better...especially when you've been at rock bottom several times before and when life constantly throws you a curve ball that you never seem to catch a break from...and yet...I'm SO looking forward to a New Year. Same me. Same fight. Same life. BUT a fresh outlook and a stronger hope that things can only get better.

2025 was rough...I went into the year thinking that things were going to be great, only to learn of my father's affair with a girl 5 years YOUNGER than me, and that my parents were getting a messy divorce. The year only spiraled more out of hand, especially when I landed back in the hospital ICU after another deadly suicide attempt. My precious dog of 13 years had to be put down. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) made me lose a job, not to mention all the complications that came with the emotional dysregulation throughout the year. BUT through it all...God has still immensely blessed me (just look back on my Thanksgiving blog post)!

For the first time, I was able to catch a few glimpses of what normalcy in life might mean...thanks to the wonderful guy that I've been dating for over a year. Now, I can only see that things will continue to grow and get better from here. Sure, I'm scared...I literally scared out of my mind. Afterall, nobody truly likes change, and especially for someone with BPD, stability is the key to recovery and so change is very complicated to navigate. Just like the snowy cold winters that leave us shivering to our core.

Winter is also the most difficult season for me, partly because I hate the cold. I'd much rather be frolicking through a field in 100-degree weather (I was born and raised in Texas after all). But even through the depths of winter, we still have to go on living our lives. So what do we do? We bundle up as best we can, grab a few hand warmers or two, and then step out to brave the cold. That is how I am choosing to face this New Year.

Yes, it is filled with change and uncertainty...yes, life may still throw me curve balls...yes, I am still battling many complicated mental illnesses on the daily...yes, I'm scared...yes, I'm worried...yes, I'm uncertain...AND through it all, I'm choosing to put on my coat and as much winter gear as I can possibly put on, in order to brave the cold and continue my fight into the New Year. Of course, don't get me wrong, there is a lot that I am excited about and looking forward to as well!

I'm excited that my 2nd book is coming out, Brokenness Restored: The Path to Recovery is Healing Journey and that I will be able to use part of the proceeds to support the next women's Christian body image conference towards the end of the year. I'm also excited for the book launch parties or book signings that I am going to be blessed to have. I'm excited for all the more memories that I'm going to have with my amazing guy and his family as well as my own family and friends, and to even have some new beginnings that will very much be needed in order for me to move forward towards even more healing.

There is so much to look forward to in the coming year and I'm casting my anxieties on God and trusting Him with my future that is to come. It will still be a fight, BUT I have hope for the better things to come. It will still be worrisome at times, BUT I know where my hope comes from. It will still be exhausting sometimes, BUT I am held in the arms of the king and surrounded by loved ones that point me to the one that will help me brave the cold and make this next year a beautiful one to remember!

Happy New Year everyone!! <3

My Favorite Time of Year

Sat, 06 Dec 2025 18:19:51 GMT

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

There's only so much you can write about Christmas each year, but it's honestly my favorite time of year and I haven't exactly bragged about it before...so here goes nothing in a somewhat poetic style of writing:

I can't help but smile when I see the lights upon the street.

The twinkling glow of a gleam that brightens everything.

The unique decor that lines the trees,

are a wonder for every eye to see.

The red and green go together oh so nicely,

and I can't help but dream of that blooming fir tree,

with a star up top,

a nativity scene,

and an array of memories that ornaments garnish so delicately.

There's a wreath on the door,

stockings on the hearth,

and garlands strung about in a chaotic whirl.

The tablecloth is themed,

so is the dinnerware,

along with trinkets here and there,

I can't help but stare.

The decorations are one thing...but think of the spirit!

The atmosphere is a blend of kind and nice,

with maybe some hints of spice.

Spice for the tea,

spice for the pie,

spice for the food that will fill you just right.

The joy around the table is a glorious delight.

Laughter is heard.

Stories are told.

Memories are made,

to be cherished for years unknown.

Christmas music everywhere.

Concert halls sing.

Nutcrackers dance.

This is the spirit of Christmas,

where everyone chants,

where everyone sings,

where everyone meets,

meeting and greeting everyone that passes by in a glance.

People you would normally never greet in the past.

It's a joyous season, where kindness melts,

even the hardest of hearts in pursuit.

Even the hardest of hearts with wounds.

Sometimes Christmas can be bittersweet,

sometimes it brings up unwanted memories.

But through it all, it is still a joyous thing,

to celebrate a savior,

that's the greatest thing.

I can't help but smile to think of the king,

the one who came to this earth, with joy to bring.

The one who came to this world to save lost souls,

to leave us hope so willingly.

I can't help but fall on my knees,

in gratitude and thanksgiving.

It's a great time of year with laughter and cheer,

but what makes it my favorite,

is the birth of a baby,

so humble and sweet,

I can't possibly ask for anything more to think.

I can't possibly ask anything more of a king.

He's done everything.

I'm here for another Christmas because he saves me.

He saved my heart.

He saves my mind,

and he has certainly saved my body.

It's my favorite time of year because of the greatest gift of all.

King Jesus,

Lord forevermore.

Wishing you all the best Christmas and holiday season!! Praying that you find healing and joy amidst this time of year among family and friends - know that you are so deeply loved! <3

Thanksgiving

Thu, 13 Nov 2025 14:39:35 GMT

Give Thanks With a Grateful Heart...

And we're back to reflecting on all the AMAZING things to be thankful for over the course of a year!! God has been so incredibly good!!

Thanksgiving has always been a hit or miss throughout my life because my American side of the family went all out, but my Asian side of the family did not really celebrate. It's a bittersweet feeling because I'm not that close with my American side and I would prefer my Asian side to be the ones that would go all out for holidays, but that is sadly, not the case. This year is a bit different because I will be meeting my boyfriend's family over thanksgiving and I'm curious to see what an Asian thanksgiving is like! With the approaching holiday, I'm reminded to be especially thankful for all the things I am blessed to have and instead of going into depth about all the things I've been thankful for over this past year, I've decided to list them out because there is SO many! SO here we go...

God miraculously saved me physically from another suicide attempt which I am claiming will be THE LAST
God has been healing my heart & mentally giving me the courage to embrace & fight for recovery
Being in a healing relationship that is showing me the depth of God's love beyond measure
Living in an environment where everything is provided for
Learning to live independently both personally & financially
Matching with a service dog that gets to go EVERYWHERE with me
Increasing my social circle & support system
Deepening my faith with not only my personal relationship with God, but within the Christian community as well
Getting a clean slate with purchasing my own health insurance for the new year
Healing from trauma & heading toward being able to let go of my biological father & his side of the family
Helping my mom establish a fresh start of her own that has sparked her own healing journey
God has been opening doors left & right to provide for me financially & covering medical bill costs
Opening my own music studio & in-home piano lesson business & gaining so many new students already
Meeting a piano teacher mentor that will be helping me along my piano teaching journey
Having an English degree that allows me to be placed on linguist projects for additional income
Signing a publishing contract for my NEW BOOK, Brokenness Restored: The Path to Recovery is a Healing Journey
Working as a receptionist in a healthy work environment with such a caring manager & team of coworkers
Gaining insight & knowledge from random people that God has allowed me to meet at just the right times
Having loved ones that are deeply involved in my life & offer me constant encouragement & support
Getting to play worship at my sister-friend's wedding & being the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding
Making it to my cousin's baby shower in which their child will be the first grandchild in the family
Networking across all aspects to gain professional connections
Making progress in all areas of therapy so that I can cut down on the number of sessions that I have weekly
Learning how to meal prep & cook so that I can now do it for myself
Having the ability to travel & to go to the beach which is my favorite place of all time
AND SO MUCH MORE...the list could go on forever...

God has honestly blessed me beyond belief this year and shown me so many things that I never thought would be possible for my life and that I would be capable of being independent and truly living life to the fullest. I hope that this Thanksgiving season, you would take the time to reflect on this past year and all the things you have been thankful for, especially to pinpoint where God has been doing the most work in your life. I would think about the ways that He has provided for you and how He has done the unexpected even in ways that you may not notice outright. I pray that we also practice gratitude throughout the entirety of the year and not solely during the holidays, but nonetheless, I hope that you are able to give thanks with a grateful heart and that you have a blessed Thanksgiving this year!

Depressed Stares

Wed, 22 Oct 2025 00:56:23 GMT

Don't Let it Stop You!

You would think that the busy seasons of life would drown out the voices...you would think that somehow the buzz of chaotic scheduling and routines would make the darkness subside...you would think that running from place to place, never sitting down at home, would keep you protected from your mind. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me.

October has been a very busy, chaotic month which was to be expected in some ways and unexpected in others. It also happens to be National Depression Education & Awareness Month, which is why I have chosen to talk about depression. You see, my depression is masked by high-functioning perfectionism and people-pleasing. People would rarely ever be able to tell if I am actually depressed or not until the symptoms have become too severe. It is only internally that I am suffering or in the late hours of the night that I find myself stuck in a depressed stare, staring at the floor, ceiling or walls (it just depends what spot I'm in, but usually I'm lying on the floor). I expel all my energy throughout the day that I'm left in a frozen state of sadness and pain...that's why my brain scrambles to understand the sustainability of recovery.

As I have grown busier with starting my own piano lesson business, publishing a 2nd book, starting on another project that I'm a linguist for, while also continuing to reception on the side and keep up with my social and church life, I can feel myself draining, little by little. It's not that I don't try to take care of myself, because I do...but it becomes easier to forget. For example, in terms of eating disorder recovery, my mind does not automatically take into account that there is a meal that I need to eat in between said time and another time. Somehow, I can forget that eating is even a thing in daily life. However, I'm not letting my busy life stop me because it just means that I need to be even more proactive and protective of that recovery, putting boundaries and reminders in place where they need to be.

Of course, I am worried that my busy schedule will somehow compromise my recovery and health, but I will for sure be keeping an eye on it and taking the time that I do need to care for myself. It has come to my attention that achieving dreams and aspirations in life come with some sacrifices, and recovery will not be one of them, however, if I have to struggle a bit more with my mental health and silent depression, then I will do what it takes in order to make a difference in this world and bring God glory through my giftings. As I mentioned before, I am someone that is high-functioning, even with depression. Let me explain some more...

Somehow, I have been blessed at being able to multi-task, meaning that while I am doing reception things at work, I am working on my personal things on the side, whether that be writing, reading, answering emails, creating music teaching materials, updating my resume, website, or anything else that needs to be done. It makes for a very productive time, but also an incredibly draining one that I don't realize until my head has hit the pillow at night or I'm driving, on my way home, trying to keep my eyes open or to prevent them from tearing up. Oftentimes, my evenings do end in tears or a depressive stare.

So, through all this, what I hope you take away is that if depression is staring you in the face...I would personally stare right back and challenge it. I know that it is easier said than done and it takes practice, but I have full faith in you! I will be telling myself this as well because there is a reason why I can still get out of bed the next morning and do it all again. It is literally staring depression in the face and telling it "no, not today." Don't let it stop you from living this precious life that you have! Don't let it stop you from being the person that you were created to be!

And there's your pep talk for the month that I hope will encourage you to do something inspiring as we approach the holiday season!

Broken Hearts

Tue, 16 Sep 2025 17:00:53 GMT

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

I wish that I could tell you that this wasn't the story. I wish that I could tell you that there were not broken hearts because of my story and what I did that day. I wish that I could tell you that suicide stories are not the reality...but we know better than to say that. In honor of Suicide Prevention Month, I share the story that took place just a couple weeks ago...

I was doing well in recovery. I truly had a different mindset and a different outlook. I could see that my heart was changing for the better. I could see that there was a bright future ahead of me, and the enemy struck, wiping my feet out from under me. In a moment of weakness, I landed at rock bottom again with a 6th suicide attempt that put me back in the hospital's Intensive Care Unit (ICU). I thought that I would never see a room like that again. I thought that I was far beyond that temptation...but I was wrong. I was wrong because I am still human, and my sad temptation is a matter of life and death. However, this time was different because even though I lay in a hospital bed, my fighting spirit was stronger than ever. I had a will to get better.

This is sadly not the case for a lot of individuals, especially for individuals that I met during my 8th psychiatric hospital stay. There was a woman I met there that told me that she would never stop trying to take her own life and my heart broke. I held her hand as she cried to me and wished that there was more that I could tell her, but sometimes there are not enough words in the dictionary to meet the depths of one's pain. It was enough for me to just be there with her in the moment and reassure her that she was not alone, that she was seen, and that she was heard.

There were two other girls that I met, barely even 20 years of age that were the exact replica of who I was when I was their age. It broke my heart as well because I used to sit in their exact spot of darkness that seemed to cloud out all else. I held their hands as they cried to me and as I tried to share with them why it was not worth it to harm themselves, how they would one day regret it, and the hard truth that recovery is a choice and they get to choose the path that they walk down. I met another woman that was in the depths of an eating disorder but could not see for herself just how sick she was. My heart broke silently for her as I slipped her a note on my way out the door, hoping that one day she would be accepting of the help that she so desperately needed. She also reminded me of myself and the days that I was bound to a sick body through the control of food. However, that is no longer who I am.

This psych hospital stay was unlike any other because I knew that I regretted the previous suicide attempts and especially the most recent one because I felt like it could have been prevented. There were so many measures of safety put into place and my support system was there, but I was pushing them away as the enemy whispered lies in my head that no one cared enough. The care and love were clearly in front of me, but I was blinded in weakness to what was right before my own eyes. Just because I felt like I was not getting a response from the one person I wanted it from, I blocked out the rest of my loved ones and the rest of the world and I'm truly sorry from the depths of my broken heart. Other hearts broke that night. The people that care and love me so much were broken hearted that I tried to run from them once again - that I tried to run from life once again.

After my time in the ICU, the cardiac unit, and the psych hospital, I will say that I came out stronger and more recovery-minded than ever before even with all that my body endured. My heart desperately hopes that this can be the same for others, but everyone's journey looks differently. For those that are struggling with suicidal thoughts, know that I see you and understand you and that I've been there before. The fight is long and hard, but it is worth it in the end because even if you can't see it now, this life IS worth living. There is a God up there that loves you beyond measure and has such a beautiful purpose for you here on this earth. He will place people in your life at the right moment and the right time to be there for you and to show you the depths of His love. He will give you community that wraps the warmth of His presence around you and ultimately, He will be the one holding you through every struggle and hardship this life will ever give. You are never alone.

For those that know someone or have loved ones that deal with suicidal ideation, know that I see you too and that it is difficult to be there for people that have this struggle. It can be taxing, and it can be a lot to ask but know that it is worth it because you are saving a life. Don't ever be afraid to directly ask the question, "are you having thoughts of suicide?" Don't ever be afraid to check in on them or ask how they are doing. The temptation of suicide is deadly and scary, but it IS preventable from not only the people surrounding an individual, but of the person themselves if they put in the work and the preventative measures. For those that advocate for suicide prevention, know that the work you are doing is seen and it is such a blessing!

Continue to be encouraged my friends - there is ALWAYS light at the end of a tunnel!

New Outlook

Wed, 06 Aug 2025 19:09:05 GMT

The Promise of a Fighting Chance

For the longest time...I truly believed that I was incapable of healing from my traumatic past, therefore meaning I would always need the eating disorder and maladaptive behaviors to cope for the rest of my life. I did not believe that recovery could be for me, which is perhaps, the reason why I was always half-hearted and still found ways around certain expectations and healthy living. That is, until I recently started a Christian Living reading journey that has stopped me in my tracks. It has rocked me to the core and opened my eyes to how I should truly be looking at my life and the world. This is my new outlook.

I am capable of healing. I am capable of living this life. I can be who God made me to be. It is my choice. I can choose to let my past block me from the future God intends for me, or I can choose to let that past lead me towards becoming a better person. I can choose to let the past dictate who I am, or I can choose to embrace my true identity in Christ. I can choose to let the past hinder me from success and keep me hidden in fear, or I can choose to be empowered towards bigger and better things. It is a choice. Never before have I been given this ultimatum. Never before have I realized how much control I actually do have in getting to choose the path for my future or for who I want to be in this life and for the legacy that I want to leave behind.

When it comes to the past, there are both the mistakes of others that have impacted us, but there are also our own mistakes that have added to trauma or our suffering. It may be time to reflect on what was not our fault and how we may be able to start a healing journey towards mending those wounds. Perhaps it is more time with God, in Christian community, or seeking professional help. It may also be time to reflect on our own mistakes and what areas we might need to ask for forgiveness or accountability in staying on the right path. For the past few months, I have deeply struggled with purging as an additional maladaptive behavior under Anorexia Nervosa. I thought that I had it under control. I thought that everything would be okay...but the physical condition of my heart told me otherwise. It scared me into thinking about what I was doing to myself and my body.

I have recently been even more open in conversation with my treatment team and loved ones about how they might be able to come alongside me in the recovery journey to truly help me heal and overcome this struggle. Although I wish it will be an easy journey, I know that it is not and there may be many more days of crying on the floor. However, for the first time...I truly want to get better. I have never wanted anything else in my life this desperately before. I have never actually wanted to recover for me and for the future that I could have if I was healthy...until now. The desire to get better has never been so strong and I pray to God that it continues and that His strength lights the way. I pray that I am still encouraged along the way, even when things get tough. I pray that I can see that recovery is a beautiful thing and to learn to respect my body for what it does. I pray that my heart stays true and starts to believe and see that my body is created in the image of God.

Hope is alive. The new outlook on recovery is a healing journey that I am wholeheartedly embracing. Am I scared out of my mind? Yes. BUT I am trying my best to trust that this is truly what God wants for me. I am trusting that He wants to bless me in this life and that He has a promised land in store for me, even here on this earth. As much as I want the healing overnight, I know that I have to put in the work. Just like connection requires action, recovery means taking the necessary steps and making the daily decisions to nourish and care for my body, even when my mind and negative thought spirals might tell me otherwise. It means making the difficult choices that are healthy for me instead of caving into the self-destructive patterns that have too long, held control over me.

This is me promising myself that I will do my best and fight with every breath to give myself and my body the life that it was intended to have. It at least deserves the chance. I hope that you might find it in you to give yourself the best fighting chance too. <3

Food for Thought

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Thu, 17 Jul 2025 19:58:49 GMT

National Minority Mental Health Month

Throughout my lifetime, I was in denial of struggling with an eating disorder because of the culture and lifestyle I grew up in…until a hospital visit determined I had refeeding syndrome (medical complications from eating food again after a period of starvation) and I was on the waitlist for a bed at a residential treatment facility for teenagers and young adults with eating disorders.

In Asian culture, mental health is often not talked about and any sort of mental illness is looked down upon, therefore bringing more shame and isolation. It was my first time in eating disorder treatment, where I was still in denial that I needed help, that I found how difficult it was for minorities to receive the care that they need. Yes, I was receiving treatment and care…but it was much more difficult due to the culture and lifestyle I was used to living. Most importantly, I grew up eating Asian food and had not been exposed to much of other cuisines and Western styles of eating. And then you add an eating disorder on top of that, and it just makes the anxiety ten times worse. Here’s a list of some things that were challenging for me or things that I had to learn about and acknowledge:

How to use a dishwasher (Asians typically hand wash dishes and use the dishwasher as a drying rack)

What a panini press is (never even knew what a panini sandwich was)

Trying all salad dressings (grew up eating raw lettuce by itself and did not truly understand what a salad was)

Trying all condiments (grew up eating very plain and simple Asian meals without much seasoning or sauce)

That there are many different types of pasta (never really ate pasta throughout childhood because we had white rice for mostly every meal)

Edamame is a rich source of protein (never knew what this was called or looked like)

Trying different Western, Italian, Hispanic dishes, etc. that expanded my taste palette

I could go on and list other things, but ultimately it was a challenging time to be exposed to a whole new world while trying to grasp the fact that I had an eating disorder. At one point during my residential stay, the staff called to ask my mom what they could get me to eat, but unfortunately they were unable to fully accommodate my Asian diet. It was understandable and also, I am not denying the fact that the exposure was good for me. However, recovery would have been much easier with some level of comfortability or familiarity in what I was used to. This can be a challenge in the treatment world for mental health and for minorities receiving the best possible care that meet individualistic needs.

It is my hope that by sharing I can bring awareness and elicit brainstorming responses for how treatment and resources can be more accessible to those of minority communities. Perhaps in the future there may be more accommodations that are able to be implemented or programs for those of minority cultures. What we can do is to continue growing and learning, embracing all people and areas of diversity!

Pushing Past Chaos

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Mon, 30 Jun 2025 00:19:07 GMT

Fighting Me

I’d be lying if I said that this past month was an easy one…because it has been far from easy. In fact the past few months have been extremely difficult as I have been having many suicidal episodes, leading me far too close to ending up back in the hospital…BUT God…He has been picking up the pieces every single time I shatter, over, and over, and over, again. The mood swings have been unbearable and I am scared to be with myself…in my own mind…where the darkness pushes to take over and chaos wants to reign.

I am beyond blessed that God has placed so many people in my life that have shown me love beyond measure and have proven to me that they will not give up on me. As scary as it has been…and what I have been putting my loved ones through…God still reigns and He never lets the darkness win. Because even when I hurt myself…He heals my wounds. Even when I purge…He embraces the mess I am. Even when I slip up and run back to the chaotic world…He finds me again and draws me back to Him. Even when I hold those pills in my hand…He stops me and somehow His peace finds me…even in the depths of my pain and distress where I’m blinded to His goodness. He never leaves me.

The poem below is my deepest struggle of Borderline Personality Disorder, but remember that I am NOT defined by a diagnosis…it is only there to help others relate and hopefully to help people understand. By sharing this poem…I am reminding myself of why I keep fighting, of why I choose every single day to push past the chaos. The struggle is real, but I AM STILL HERE and I will keep fighting - for you (and hopefully one day, for myself).

- Creating Chaos -

I wish I could tell you why…

I wish I could tell you how…

I wish I could tell you what goes on in my mind…

It’s a void.

It’s a catastrophic storm.

It’s unpredictable…

and yet it’s a cycle -

a cyclical tornado that causes destruction.

It leaves no survivors.

It leaves no bystanders.

It leaves me crying.

It leads me close to dying…

and yet the chaotic realm of my world feels so satisfying.

It feels familiar.

It feels like safety and bliss.

It’s a confusing mess.

Somehow it’s the only home I’ve ever known.

An abusive childhood will do that to you.

The traumas of my past broke the path of my future.

It blurred the lines.

It caused a fog and a mist so intense that it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other.

It brings the darkness.

It’s as if a cloud lives over my head.

The darkness draws me in.

It taunts me.

It tempts me.

It entices me to my chaotic safety net.

How twisted is this?

Kindness suffocates me.

Grace chokes me.

Love drowns me.

My mind says I don’t need it.

It says I don’t deserve it.

It says I’m too broken for the good things others give.

So I run to the chaos.

I throw myself into the chasm.

I create the chaotic world around me.

I starve myself.

I cut myself.

I scratch myself.

I binge, then purge.

I isolate myself.

I push my body beyond the limits of its capability.

I push people away.

I say hurtful things.

I attempt to kill myself.

I tell loved ones to stop fighting to keep me here.

Each breath feels like a stab to the chest…

and yet…

those loved ones are the reason why I’m still here.

They are the reason why I keep fighting.

They are the reason I wake up each morning.

They are the reason why I try to see reason.

Creating chaos is my sinful flesh.

It is my deepest struggle - my fault and temptation.

It is my weakness - my downfall.

It is what my body is drawn to…

even though I desperately wish that it wasn’t.

I wish that my struggle was not a matter of life or death.

I would trade anything to have a different struggle…

and yet here I am,

taking painful breaths and fighting every second of every day.

For my loved ones…

I’ll keep going.

I’ll keep fighting.

I won’t let the chaos dictate my future.

I won’t let the darkness win.

Borderline Moments...

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Wed, 21 May 2025 21:03:12 GMT

National Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Awareness Month

For the longest time I was in denial about my BPD diagnosis...I mean...no one, absolutely NO one...would want a BPD diagnosis. Afterall, it is one of the most stigmatized mental health disorders. The number of therapists that have rejected me after seeing this diagnosis in my chart just reinforced the belief that I was incapable of recovery...that I would always be stuck in a chaotic cycle...BUT I am more than a BPD diagnosis.

The Borderline moments throughout my lifetime have been some of my most shameful moments, but also some moments of strength and resilience. As I am not yet too open about talking about this struggle of mine, I will stick to simply educating about some Borderline moments that may be misinterpreted as bad behavior or that someone with BPD is incapable of being a contributing member of society.

Emotional Instability: the mood swings are the most frustrating part in my opinion...the rapid shifts in mood are confusing and disorienting. There was a time where I went from having a great time, engaged in conversation, to pulled over on the side of the road, unable to function and regulate myself. BUT. Even though emotional instability is difficult to function with...it DOES mean that people with BPD are some of the most empathetic people you will ever meet. They will be your shoulder to cry on, and they will be the ones to even celebrate the small wins with you.

Identity Crisis: it is difficult to look in the mirror. Sometimes I have no idea who I am or who I want to be. The rapid shifts in identity are just as confusing and disorienting as the mood swings. One moment I think my identity is tied to whoever is in the room, and the next moment, I think I'm the next big thing. One moment, my identity is wrapped up in an eating disorder, and the next moment, I'm that "perfect" Christian girl. BUT. Even though having a constant identity crisis is debilitating...it DOES mean that I have many big dreams. It means that I have many talents, curiosity to learn all that I can, and an endless list of opportunities that leaves me exploring adventures that many would not risk exploring.

Self-destructivity: this is the scariest one on here...because the thing I fear the most...is myself. The capability to cause my body to be pushed to the brink of death, to be tortured, and abused...is warped with guilt and shame. Even at the lowest point in the hospital Intensive Care Unit (ICU), I would still tell the doctors that I was okay. Clearly, my body said otherwise. The fact that I can cause myself to self-sabotage and self-destruct is horrifying and also, very confusing. BUT. Even though the self-destructivity causes chaos...you'll realize that on a good day, I hold tight to a hope unlike any other, and I am able to appreciate the little things in life. I notice the details and when I use my strong-will to strive for recovery...the sky is the limit.

Rocky Relationships: a common misconception is that someone with BPD is incapable of having healthy relationships. Are there challenges? Yes, of course. BUT there are challenges in ANY relationship. My challenges might just look different than others and more boundaries have to be put in place and open communication has to be a top priority. BUT. Even though there has been some rockiness in relationships because of my instability at times...you'll find that I love more fiercely than most, am incredibly loyal and protective of those that are in my circle. You'll find that I am extremely intentional and will go out of my way to care for my loved ones and those around me.

Impulsivity: if you think that you get intrusive thoughts...you do not want to live a day in my mind. And the scariest part is that sometimes those intrusive thoughts don't stay thoughts...they turn into impulsive actions which then have lasting consequences. I'll reference that one time that I jumped a fence from my residential treatment facility and ran away. Unfortunately, that led to another stay in the psych ward and many more consequences. It's not that I was trying to be bad or act out in some way...I just felt so distressed and trapped, that I needed out. And so, even though impulsivity causes all sorts of issues throughout life...it DOES mean that people with BPD may also be quick to act out of the goodness of their heart. They may be quick to respond to someone else in crisis, during an emergency, or be the first one to volunteer for that one task that nobody else wanted to do.

Fear of Abandonment: desperation more accurately describes this and the looming fear of being left alone in the world, which could be true for someone with BPD that is not receiving the professional help that they need. This intense fear sometimes leads to drastic measure in order to keep people in their lives, including threatening to hurt or kill themselves. It is shameful to admit. BUT. Even though fear lurks in every corner and abandonment is a real fear...know that this was cultivated throughout childhood and it is not intentional. The fear also allows those with BPD to see the needs of others than many might overlook, and to put those needs of others before their own.

I hope that this gives you a better glimpse into the mind of those that have been diagnosed with BPD and know that this was all told from my own experiences, and I want to acknowledge that BPD varies from person to person. Borderline moments do not define someone with BPD, but they can help others to understand them and know how to best support or encourage. It is my hope to share more in the future and to fight the stigma against a BPD diagnosis...because I am just a person too. <3

Stressed Out

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Thu, 10 Apr 2025 21:24:09 GMT

It's National Stress Awareness Month...

I used to be much more tolerant of stress...especially throughout childhood. However, with time, I got worn down...burnt out...discouraged...almost like an ancient clock that has been forgotten, the gears needing to be oiled, getting stuck so that the clock ticks slower until suddenly, it stops.

I now find myself with a very low stress tolerance which proves tricky for the season of life that I am in. With my parent's divorce, family drama, my healing journey, and the job-hunting endeavor...I feel suffocated at times and filled to the brim, unable to manage more than the simple activities of daily living. My service dog has been life-changing for sure, but I still find myself stuck in a maladaptive cycle, disassociating and using the eating disorder to numb and avoid. My brain does not want to function. It does not want to think about anything. I find myself lying around, mindlessly scrolling through social media, caught like a fly in a spider's web, making comparisons that I should not be making.

I feel like that ancient clock that has suddenly stopped working...the second hand stilled and suspended in mid-air. I feel frozen and stuck in a limbo of deciding what's next for myself. I feel stressed about my future. Part of me thinks that I need to find work that is meaningful when I know that at this point, I shouldn't be picky about the job to reach financial stability. Another part of me thinks I should just rely on disability, knowing that avoidance is never the answer. I stress about my ability to cope. I stress about my capability of holding a job. I stress about my recovery journey and if I am really capable of healing.

What's wrong with this picture?

I'll tell you.

It is the enemy placing lies, doubts, and stressors in my mind, coercing me into thinking that I am not capable of living.

Stress can paralyze.

Stress can cause doubt.

Stress can cause illness.

Stress can be debilitating.

Stress ruins everything.

Stressed out?

What should we do?

I'll tell you.

Run to the arms of Jesus!

Lay it all down at the foot of the cross.

Surrender.

I need to take my own advice and should heed this reminder just as much as any other. But remember that just because you are relying on the strength of Jesus...it does not mean that you will never be stressed out again. It may not even mean that the stress and burden will be lifted from you...BUT it WILL mean that you are not walking alone. It means that you are trusting Jesus with your heart and growing deeper in your faith. It means that you are being intentional and being a light in a world where darkness clouds the sky. It means that you are trying and that makes all the difference in the world.

So...are you stressed out?

You are NOT alone.

Spring Blooms

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Thu, 20 Mar 2025 21:22:32 GMT

New Adventures of a Blooming Season...

It's the 1st day of spring and the first full day of having my blessed shadow angel service dog. I have been blessed beyond belief for this precious girl to now be a part of every aspect of my life!

Things have been rapidly changing around me, quicker than I can keep up with, but I am doing my best to hang in there! Since the start of the year, I found out that my dad filed for divorce because he wanted to marry someone younger than me...yes, you read that correctly...the girl is barely out of her teens and already has a son. The age gap is a 47-year difference and makes me gag anytime I think about it...this has sent me on an emotional whirlwind and led to many meltdowns. My poor mom is barely holding herself together and at this point it is difficult for us to help each other. With the spring season starting, my hope is that things with the divorce move quicker so that my mom and I can finally have peace and settle.

Another change is that I lost my music teaching job because of my mental illness and because they did not want to accommodate my service dog...that has been a big challenge itself and also led to a very scary suicidal meltdown that gave my support system a scare...BUT God. He surrounded me with my loved ones and did not let me go to extreme measures and I have since picked myself back up and have a few full-time job opportunities now available to me where I will hopefully get to work in Christian community. With the spring season starting, my hope is that I maintain a routine and get to grow professionally in a supportive work environment that accepts all of me and where I can use my gifts to bring God glory.

With more time in my schedule, I have been blessed to become more involved in my church and to grow my friend group even more and to gain more connections and meaningful friendships in Georgia. I have been exploring more of the Atlanta area, and I am getting more familiar with my surroundings. I recently travelled back to Texas to surprise one of my sister-friends for her bachelorette party and when I flew back to Georgia, I knew I was going home, and it felt good to know that it does feel like home now and that brings a level of comfort. With the spring season starting, my hope is that I continue to grow and learn to give back to my community and relationships on an even deeper level.

As for my writing...I have signed on with a literary agent and we have been working closely to get my 2nd book edited and prepared to be submitted to different publishing houses. It has been exciting but also hard work as I debated on many different titles and have also been collecting endorsement quotes when I can. The title has now been changed to "Brokenness Restored: The Path to Recovery is a Healing Journey." With the spring season starting, my hope is that everything is solidified so that the submission to publishing houses can commence and the waiting game for potential publishers may begin!

Another big change is the fact that I decided to move into my aunt's basement because it was the most logical decision to make. At first, I was worried, but family has shown me nothing but immense care and love. I got to decorate my room just the way I like it, and it makes my heart happy to know that it screams my name because it is filled with all things ME, my collages, and of course my stuffed panda collection! With the spring season starting, my hope is that I continue to settle in and embrace a new level of independence that this has given me the opportunity to step into.

Perhaps the biggest change of all, is accepting a service dog into my life to help me be the best that I can be. I was hesitant at the idea when my treatment team brought up the idea because I knew that it is a big commitment and a complete lifestyle change. It is only the first day, but I knew it was the right decision as I cried in deep anxiety last night and my precious shadow angel licked my tears away and comforted me. She brought my breathing down and calmed my nervous system enough for me to fall asleep. If she can do that on the first night, I can't imagine how else God might use her in my life so that I am at my best to do His work. It will be a challenge for sure, but you will be updated along this new journey! With the spring season starting, my hope is that my service dog and I become a team so that we are both performing at our best and that she supports me along this recovery journey as I hold tight to the reminder that this life is worth living.

There are so many new blooms this spring season and I can't wait to see where all the new adventures take us...may all the glory be given to God above and may you be blessed this spring season as our world comes into full bloom! <3

Binding Love

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Mon, 17 Feb 2025 19:14:16 GMT

A Small February Reminder...

A small tree sprouted, pressing and pushing to catch a glimpse of light.

It finally made it through, growing taller and taller with each passing day,

intertwining itself into a beauty of different shades of purples, pinks, and reds.

The tree was full of life as it was made of the purest of hearts;

all of the souls that were filled with love.

Love that binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Love that encompasses each and every mind.

Love that works miracles and brings smiles.

Love that should be shared to everyone because not one person is less deserving.

Love that is a reminder of all that is important in life.

The tree glowed especially bright on one special day and said,

“Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, and to all a good night.”

New Year for Recovery

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Mon, 20 Jan 2025 16:05:35 GMT

Recovery-Oriented Goals

I'll be honest...it was a rough holiday season for no reason in particular except for my own internal struggles and the fight with Anorexia and depression. Towards the end of 2024, I was barely eating once again and got sick for the 4th or 5th time (I lost count) because my immune system was too low due to undereating. It got to the point where I almost passed out when caroling with friends and my mom handed me the reality that my life would be hospital/treatment stays if I did not eat, because not eating, meant not getting better...and in the midst of my sickness and isolation, I started to think...

Was this really the life I wanted for myself?

Did I want to risk losing everything?

Was I really going to give up all the blessings God has been giving me?

Is self-sabotage really worth it?

Am I giving myself the best chance of normalcy in life?

And after a long internal battle with my healthy self vs. my negative self...it was true that my answers were "no" and I knew I needed to do something about it. I was also reading many Christian Living books at the time that were helping me along the way, starting with "Breaking Free from Body Shame" by Jess Connolly where she reminds us that our bodies are already deemed "good" by God and that we are created in His image and should therefore take care of our bodies with the respect that it deserves. It was convicting to read, especially because I knew that I had not treated my body as I should, merely self-inflicting more abuse and pain. Another book that I was reading, was "You are Never Alone" by Max Lucado, with the reminder that God is always with me, in ALL the moments...including the good, the bad, and everything in between. "Enemies of the Heart" by Andy Stanely was another one in which it touches on the topics of guilt, anger, greed, and jealously and how to break free from those emotions that can control and dictate life, distancing us from God. If you have not read any of these books, I would definitely recommend!

So, as I self-reflected, processed my own thoughts and feelings, talked to loved ones, as well as looked to the Bible and books to help me along my journey, I finally decided that I needed to make a change...especially because it was just about to be the New Year. It was just the perfect timing, reminding me that God truly does have the perfect timing for everything! I decided that I was going to embrace recovery for what it is and to give myself the best chance of normalcy in life, meaning no more hospitals and treatment centers. I decided that I was going to be even more open and honest with the people around me and to let others in to help me along the journey. And best of all...I decided that I was going to fully surrender to God, giving Him my mental illnesses and my WHOLE heart, to let Him guide me in this life and to use me for His glory. And as a result, these became my recovery-oriented goals for the New Year:

Spend time with God daily

(following my own Bible reading plan, setting time aside for prayer, worshipping whenever, wherever I can, especially in the car, etc.)

Follow my meal plan

(3 meals, 3 snacks a day and 3-4 components per meal and 2-3 components per snack)

Intentionality in relationships

(making time w/ loved ones, sending daily text "jannifications," being intentional in asking how to pray for others and keeping a prayer journal, remembering birthdays and important dates, checking in on those I haven't heard from in a while, etc.)

Open-minded growth in learning

(asking for advice for 2 of my new part-time jobs, being open to learning new things and growing professionally and personally, searching for opportunities to learn and grow, etc.)

Using my gifts to glorify God

(publishing my 2nd book, volunteering in some capacity at church, sharing my story in schools with NAMI, etc.)

There is more that I could say and touch on, but these are the highlights! Not only did God change my heart during the holiday season, but He laid it on my heart to write a 2nd book that is a Christian Living book on my mental health treatment journey and hospitalizations to show the power of God in how He saved me from multiple suicide attempts and how He was there throughout every step of the way displaying His goodness, mercy, and grace in such moments of darkness. The book is called "Hope Within the Broken" (if it is not changed by a publisher) and I hope that it may be able to help people one of these days once it has been published. I am truly inspired and have such hope that 2025 will be a great year, not only for me, but many others and I will be praying for those that may be struggling.

Hold onto hope!

All the blessings my friends!

What are your recovery-oriented goals for 2025?

My Christmas Dream

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Wed, 04 Dec 2024 14:56:01 GMT

Traditions for the Future!

Growing up...my family wasn't all that big about the celebration of holidays...it was very inconsistent...and well, the more that I realized what I was missing out on, the more passionate I have become about hoping for my own traditions when I have my own family one day. This is a poem of my heart's desire for the future..."My Christmas Dream."

Lights brighten everything in a brilliant glow.

Crystal icicles on rooftop edges.

Colorful bulbs surrounding tree trunks and branches.

A twinkling "Merry Christmas" sign,

out front for all to see.

Candles burn within.

The sweet scent of Vanilla Bean Noel,

mixes with the fresh inhale of a fir tree.

It was specially chosen to fill the corners of the home.

Ornaments hang in a dizzying array of memories,

shadows dancing amidst the tree lights,

the star puts the finishing touch on top.

It is home sweet home.

A wreath marks the front door.

A garland decks the mailbox.

Stockings add more memories to the fireplace.

Holiday tablecloths, centerpieces, kitchen towels, oven mitts...

everything is themed.

Everything is decorated.

Everything is as it should be.

The season is filled with church worship nights, concerts, caroling.

It is filled with volunteering and blessing others in need.

It is filled with intentional gift giving, gratitude, and quality time.

It is filled with ice skating, Christmas movies...

most definitely Home Alone!

It is filled with gingerbread houses, cookie decorating, enjoying meals together.

Christmas Eve would be a time of cooking as a family.

It would be a time to bake a cake for Jesus.

We would sing Him "Happy Birthday" and blow out the candles.

We would read the Christmas story with a nice cup of hot chocolate,

excitedly waiting for the presents under the tree the next morning...

but only after a prayer of thanks is said, can we unwrap those blessings.

Because ultimately, those gifts should remind us of the best gift ever given to us...

Jesus is the reason for the season.

And this is my Christmas dream.

With a Grateful Heart

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Tue, 12 Nov 2024 19:10:06 GMT

Looking back on a year in gratitude and thanksgiving...

I give all the glory to God with a grateful heart...

I approach this holiday season with a grateful heart...

I look back on this year with a grateful heart...

God has brought me so incredibly far and filled my life with blessings beyond belief. I still struggle to accept that I am capable of having good things and that I am deserving of love and support. He meets me in the midst of my confusion and suffering and has shown me more patience, grace, and mercy than I have ever thought possible...even as I doubt Him and even as I feel the urge to run away. He has held on to me and never given up on pursuing me...even as I cry in anger, pain, and sadness with difficulty in understanding, "why me?"

Last Thanksgiving, my mom was on the plane to get me out of an eating disorder residential treatment facility in California, where I had yet again fought the system and refused to embrace recovery. I was utterly hopeless and begging God to take me from the world because it did not feel like I would ever be able to live a fulfilling life. The following months I continued to decline rapidly until I landed in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) in April of this year after a suicide attempt and Anorexia keeping my body from being able to heal itself. Doctors told my mom that I would not survive...BUT GOD. He miraculously saved me...again...and I'm declaring now...never again.

I had never envisioned being able to live in recovery because the eating disorder was all that I had known...but almost dying was a big wakeup call that I needed to make changes to my life. It made me see purpose. It made me see reason. It made me realize that life is so much bigger than me and that my story can be used for good and to bring God glory. It made me recognize the blessed support system He had put around me and the amount of people that love and care for me. So even though the recovery journey is filled with ups and downs and lapses...BUT GOD. He will not give up on me and one day I WILL be fully recovered.

Many different kinds of trauma have impacted me, and, in my heart, I had longed for many years to be free from environments and surroundings that I did not feel safe in... this is what happens when you have grown up in an abusive environment and have had a stalker before. I felt so incredibly hopeless that I could ever go out in public without constant fear and looking over my shoulder. I felt used to the chaos and it was what I expected...to be yelled at, hit, or taken advantage of. Nightmares and flashbacks plagued my sleep and waking...making me feel trapped in an unending cycle...and I never thought that I would ever be capable of moving away...BUT GOD. He moved me out of Texas and to safety in Georgia as of July this year.

For the past 5 years, I have held 12 jobs in a variety of capacities because it has been so incredibly hard for me to stay mentally stable enough to stay in a position long enough without getting sent back into a hospital or a treatment center. And yet I also realized that none of those jobs felt fulfilling and like what I was called to do with my life...that is until The Music Studio of Atlanta pursued me for the past 3 years and I FINALLY accepted to become a music teacher for them, and I have never felt such peace about a decision. I have so much confirmation that this is where I am supposed to be to grow and learn professionally to hopefully own my own music studio one day. So even though I still have my fears that something will set me back or that it might be too much stress for me to handle...BUT GOD. He has a plan, will give me the strength, and will be with me every step of the way.

I still cringe in the kindness. I still struggle. I am still not used to a sense of safety and healing. I know it will all take time...because never have I ever felt such an overwhelming power of God's love than I have in Georgia. He has surrounded me with a blessed church community, with a discipler, with my mom's family, with new friends, with support still from my long-time friends, with a treatment team (dietician, eating disorder therapist, and trauma therapist) that all love the Lord too, others, and maybe even with a special someone. So even in the midst of my discomfort and pain...BUT GOD. He has surrounded me with love.

So as Thanksgiving approaches this year...

I say all this with an especially grateful heart that I am still living

and that I am no longer just surviving...

I'm thriving!

What are you thankful for this year?

Where have you seen God's blessing in your life?

Life Flashing Before My Eyes

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Sun, 01 Sep 2024 10:00:04 GMT

In Honor of Suicide Prevention Month 2024...

***trigger warning: suicide, self-harm, and Anorexia...please read with caution if you are in a safe headspace to do so***

I hesitated in sharing this story too soon...but it just so happens to be the right season, and I hope that it might help someone else out there...because again, you never expect these things to happen. At least I did not, especially this time around.

I knew that Anorexia was getting worse, but I was delusional...telling myself that I had it all under control, when really, I was spiraling out of control. I'd go a week without eating, over and over again, and yet somehow...I still managed to do thousands of steps a day and abused diet pills, laxatives, and diuretics. Definitely underweight, I felt fragile and frail, and yet, I was happy...or at least I thought I was. I was going on all sorts of adventures with my mom and my friends, determined to experience all that Texas had to offer before I was to move to Georgia, but my adventures got cut short...

Sure, I had my typical struggles with emotional regulation, PTSD, and avoiding trauma work, but nothing in particular triggered me that day. In fact, I thought that it was a great day when I woke up that morning. I had not had suicidal thoughts in months and the urge to self-harm was not overpowering even though the urge to restrict my food intake was. I thought that my meds were working great, and I still felt like I was functioning in society just fine although I still wasn't allowed to work. And yet, the day just continued to head downhill from there...

It was in the early afternoon that I started to feel completely "off." Not horrible, but not great anymore. It was like a grey cloud of depression set in, who used to be an all too familiar friend. I shrugged it off and later went out for my daily 2-hour walk, and that's when the darkness really hit me. I could feel the internal struggle inside, but I didn't want to die...I was just struggling with the negative thoughts that plagued me. I pulled out my phone and called a friend. I honestly told her that I was struggling, but we weren't able to talk for long and I didn't feel any better, so I called another friend. She didn't answer but texted to ask if I was alright. I froze and decided not to bother her, texting back that I was fine. It was almost time to head to my church recovery group anyway and so I got in my car and headed there.

When I got to the church, my mentor hugged me and asked how I was doing. The dams broke because that's the moment I didn't feel like living...sniffling, I told her, "like I shouldn't be here," but I should have been more specific, because I think she thought that I was physically talking about not feeling like I should be at the church. However, she comforted me and told me to stay throughout recovery group, even if I had to cry in the corner the whole time...which I did.

As I got in my car to head home that night, the weight of the world came crashing down on my shoulders and the pain was too much to bear. I had gone through my coping list earlier that morning, so why didn't it work? Why was I feeling this way? I had internally screamed at God, called people, talked with people, and went to the church for recovery group, so why didn't I feel any better? Instead, I felt invisible. I felt abandoned. I felt alone. I felt like no one heard my cries for help. I felt like I couldn't be helped. I was done fighting.

So, when I got home, I put on a smile for my mom and waited for her to take a shower before I tried to take away the emotional pain with self-harm. It didn't work and I was so incredibly frustrated...so I overdosed on a deadly combination, determined for it to work this time. However, as soon as I did...I panicked. What did I just do? Regret washed over me, and I desperately tried to throw up all the pills I had taken but couldn't. I cried out to God with an apology and asked him to save me again before grabbing my phone and texting a few people, including my therapist at the time, but again, I wasn't specific...essentially, I was just saying goodbye.

I pulled myself off the floor, soaking wet, and turned off the shower. I bandaged my wrist as best I could and walked out, intending to go to sleep and pretend that nothing had happened. But God had other plans...my mom called for me from her bed to bring her another pillow and so then I did. She later told me that there was a darkness over me and that she could tell that I was not myself, but she had ignored the feeling. I laid my head on my bed that night and told God that I would either see him soon, or that maybe he could miraculously save me again, for the 5th time...that's when my phone rang.

I picked it up and froze...it was my therapist. She didn't usually look at her work phone this late and again, I panicked but answered. She didn't hesitate to ask me what I had done, but the words could not come out...it took a good long few minutes before I finally blurted it out and she told me to go wake up my mom. As soon as I did, my mom knew, and she held me as we talked with my therapist, who told my mom to call an ambulance. My heart broke when my mom turned to me and asked, "I'm right here, why didn't you come talk to me?" I didn't know...

I did not end up taking an ambulance because we probably could not afford another ambulance bill...and so my dear sweet mother, drove me to the hospital with a broken hip she was still recovering from. We happened to get there right on time where I collapsed into a wheelchair and threw up right in the middle of the ER waiting room. It was blue from all the pills I had taken, and they immediately admitted me.

As they were stitching my wrist up, without any pain medicine might I add...my heart rate plummeted to below 20bpm, and I was immediately placed in the ICU. For the next week, I fought for my life, with several IV lines and a central picc line that ran straight to my heart, again, without any pain medicine at the time of the procedure...they told my poor mom that I was dying and not going to make it...Anorexia was preventing my body from responding to the medication and keeping it from healing. I simply did not have enough nutrients or the energy to fight. I could not keep any food down or I would refuse to eat, telling the on-staff psychiatrist that the eating disorder would not kill me...I was obviously in denial because she pointed to my heart monitor and blatantly told me, "you're in the ICU."

I had lecture after lecture from doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists, nurses, techs, and my loved ones, who all begged me to eat because if not, then I really was going to die. My electrolytes were depleted, and they were having to pump me full of potassium, magnesium, phosphorous, you name it...my blood sugar was dangerously unstable, constantly treated for low blood sugar or receiving insulin shots when it went too high...my labs were a complete mess and I was almost placed on dialysis because my kidneys were failing...I was bedridden because anytime I sat up in bed, my heart rate would shoot up to 200bpm. It took a while for me to realize, but eventually it struck me...I really was dying...the overdose had set things into motion, but really, it was Anorexia that was killing me...

I cried when I passed out trying to get up, or when I realized I couldn't even go to the bathroom, or when I had to use a walker in physical therapy because I hardly had the strength to walk...it was humbling...and as I cried, I'd tell the people around me that "I'm just 24, and I can't be like this..." That's when it really hit me...I didn't want this to be my life. I had to fight...even when it is exhausting...even when I feel like I don't have the strength...even when I'm at the lowest point of the valley...I have to fight.

Even now, I still fight. It's a daily battle, but I also know that I'm not fighting alone. My loved ones never gave up on me...they were by my side the whole time...and my God came through and saved me, again, so that I have another chance at this life. I'm blessed that He's given me so many chances to get it right...so I'll keep fighting. And I pray that you keep fighting.

For those that are struggling...know that there are people who care for you more than you know...know that there is a God who loves you more than you know, even when you can't feel it...know that even when it's hard, this life is worth it, because think of all the lives you could save by sharing your story...know that you are strong and resilient, even when the lies tell you otherwise...know that you can make a difference, because even the smallest smile could change the course of someone's day...know that if I can keep fighting, you can too...know that it is a strength to ask for help...know that you are not alone.

For those loved ones...know that you are cherished, even when we might not show it...know that God is holding tight to you and guiding you as well, even in the midst of the hardships...know that it really does matter when you just hold tight to your struggling loved one...sometimes we don't need words, sometimes encouragement helps, sometimes it helps to just know you care, sometimes a hug is all we need, other times, a shoulder to cry on, and most of all, to simply have someone in the room and know that we are not alone. It helps to be checked up on regularly...it helps to be asked the hard questions when we are struggling: "Are you having thoughts of suicide?" "Do you have a plan and/or intent?" It helps to have a text or call here or there, but especially to hang out, even if we'd rather be isolating. You matter just as much as we do and can make all the difference in the world.

I pray this is an encouragement for all who read it. I share my story not to bring fear or pity, but to bring hope that even through the darkest moments, there is a light at the end of tunnel. I pray that this month of suicide prevention awareness is one that is filled with love for others to know that they are not alone and of education for how we can truly prevent these tragedies from happening or to at least be a helping hand to those who are struggling as well as the loved ones of those that are.

You are a light.

Be the light, dear friends.

Suicide Prevention Hotline:

988

Triggered Anyway

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Fri, 28 Jun 2024 12:39:22 GMT

In honor of National PTSD Awareness Day...

So I have to do a psychological evaluation each year due to my complicated mental illness case, but it still always hits me in the face when they slap a diagnosis on me, because I am a child of God and I'm NOT defined by a diagnosis. But legalistically, yesterday, they went over my results and I've officially been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which I knew was coming...and I hate the stigma surrounding it so it is discouraging, especially since most people don't like to be around people with BPD...but more on that another time! Of course, they also confirmed the diagnoses from last year, and the years before of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Anorexia Nervosa (AN), and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)...and it just so happens that yesterday was also National PTSD Awareness Day. So in honor of that...I hope to share with you my reality of complex PTSD in a poem that I wrote called, "Triggered Anyway." (I should mention that this is not everyone's experience since it is different for everyone, but this is what I personally struggle with when it comes to my diagnosis of PTSD.)

I get triggered anyway.

I try to prepare.

I try to face my fears.

But still end up on the ground...

hallucinating and hyperventilating.

I can't breathe.

I can't see.

I can't feel.

Only that of pain.

I can barely hear.

Only that of screams.

I don't know where I am.

I don't know who I am.

I most certainly don't know who you are.

You're crowding me.

You're suffocating me.

You're scaring me.

I'm afraid of everything.

The fear takes over completely.

I'm shaking.

Curled up so tight and hiding in plain sight.

I only see what's been done to me.

The flashbacks are debilitating.

I feel the pain,

flinching with each sting...

with each beating...

with each molestation...

with each harassment...

I'm remembering.

I try to face my fears.

I try to prepare.

I get triggered anyway.

Someone bumped into me.

It was an accident.

I get triggered anyway.

Someone follows behind me.

Unintentionally.

I get triggered anyway.

Someone tries to hug me.

I push away.

I know they just care,

but I get triggered anyway.

Someone says something that sets me off.

They didn't mean to...

but I get triggered anyway.

I hear sirens, see flashing lights.

It's been years.

But I'm still triggered anyway.

I see old memories.

Countless moments.

And still I'm triggered.

It doesn't matter what they were.

My childhood was a nightmare.

College years, a scare.

No amount of tears can compare.

No amount can heal.

My heart breaks over and over...

each time I hear the screams that tormented, suffocated, and trapped me.

The reminders are constant.

I can't escape.

I try to run away.

It leaves me in more pain.

"You'll never function in society," they say.

The public is my scary place.

Stalked for years...peace is definitely a dream.

I beg God to take the pain.

I beg Him to erase the memories.

I beg Him to release me from my nightmare and insecurities.

But then I hear Him whisper...

I'm with you and I'll never leave...

even in the midst of pain...

even in your worst fears.

Just ask me to be with you.

You may be triggered anyway...

but I'll hold your hand every day.

I'll hold you as you shake.

I'll hold you as you cry.

I'll hold you as you ache.

Your pain is my pain.

PTSD is just a name.

But I am THE name above all names.

And I will always be with you...

even in the floods and rain.

If you struggle with PTSD as well...I may not know your story, but I feel your pain.

We will get through this because we've got a God fighting by our side and holding our hand through the pain.

He'll never leave or forsake us and loves us more than we could ever imagine!

Here's to a whole year of PTSD awareness, not just on its National Day!

Much love to all <3

My Why

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Wed, 03 Apr 2024 23:54:05 GMT

God gave me this poem today as I was driving, talking with Him,

tears streaming down my face...

Tell me what to write

Whisper in my ear

Give me word by word...

what I need to hear

Give me word by word...

what the world should hear

A period there.

A sentence here.

Questions, how?

Make it clear.

God, show me how...

to draw you near

Heal me

Hold me

Use me

Mold me

Tell me what to write

Whisper in my ear

Help me share my story...

for you is all the glory

You are the master writer

You draft

You edit

You copy

You publish

You change periods to semicolons;

that is my miracle.

You write my miracle

You write my story

And now...

I write your stories

For the longest time...perhaps even my whole life...I had no "why" and you may wonder what I mean by that. It means I had no real reason to live...sometimes I'd think I was living for success, other times for perfectionism and people-pleasing, but mostly, I tied my life to my mother's and told myself that the day she leaves this earth...would be the day that I leave too, if not sooner.

That is, until my conversation with God today.

I found my "why"!

And it doesn't surprise me that God has been using other people to tell me for the past few years...

but did I listen?

Obviously not...

until today...

when I wrestled with God,

and went through voicemails,

hearing a previous treatment center therapist,

tell me that her biggest desire for me was to "find my own reason to live and recover,"

and after a year of considering masters programs in writing and publishing,

and finding one that I like!

The "why," or purpose, or passion, or whatever it is you might call it...that has been laid on my heart...

is to simply use the blessed gift of writing, that God has given me, to share stories.

God's stories.

My stories.

Other's stories when granted permission.

And any story...

because STORIES MATTER!

Stories draw us closer together.

Stories teach us and inspire us.

Stories push us to strive for better.

Stories remind us of how much we've grown.

Stories remind us of how much God has done...

of how much God will continue to do...

of just how much He loves us...

of just how much He'll never give up on you.

And today...

as a multi-suicide attempt survivor (as some of you know)

I'm especially thankful that He never gave up on me...

He'll save me time and time again,

but I'm claiming it today,

that I don't want Him to ever have to again.

I have my "why" and reminders to LIVE <3

Anorexia Doesn't Define Me

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 11:59:56 GMT

In Honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (NEDA) ...trigger warning if you struggle with an eating disorder, specifically Anorexia, please read with caution or refrain from reading if you do not feel like you are in a "recovery-oriented" head space.

Eating disorder are all-consuming...taking up every area of life and depriving you of joy, depriving you of health, depriving you of trust...you name it and it has probably taken it away or at least tried to. This makes it all too easy to be defined by an eating disorder...and with Anorexia, that obsession with the "thin idea" has you believing the lies of the enemy that you are never worthy enough unless you shrink yourself far enough -- therefore defining yourself by an illness that feeds you lies and traps that are all to easy to fall into. I wish I could say that I did not fall into this false belief...but when you have had an eating disorder for so long, and you have been influenced by others...it becomes easier said than done. Let me tell you what I mean...

Disordered eating in my life started when I was a toddler...I was picky, selective, fought every meal and barely ever wanted to finish...so in my family, I was already labeled as the "difficult one" when it came to food. This identity carried me throughout my childhood because controlling food meant that I had control over something and that felt fulfilling, satisfying, and more than enough. When I took this even further in middle school, severely restricting my food intake and relying on meal replacements and protein shakes at times, I remember taking pride when friends at our cafeteria table would tell me I had so much "self-control" and that they did not know how I could do it. Not long after, the school counselors noticed and my parents were informed that I needed treatment for Anorexia, to which they refused and denied it...that was the first time I heard that diagnosis and for some reason relief flooded me because it felt like I finally knew what was "wrong" with me -- I had already defined myself without even really wanting to and without even really knowing...it is a trap!

In college, I was the girl that struggled...especially when I ended up in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. The first time I went to eating disorder treatment, I ended up in the hospital for COVID pneumonia where they also found that I had Refeeding Syndrome (complications from "refeeding" or eating again after a long period of food restriction) and many nutritional deficiencies...so I was sent to a residential treatment facility. Even at this treatment center for about 5 months, I fought the process because I wanted to be the "sickest" one there and the funny thing is...I just never felt "sick enough"...more lies from the enemy. I just wanted to be defined by an illness that would make me more socially acceptable to this world and praised for my control...the complete opposite of what Jesus tells us...because we cannot love both the world and God.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

1 John 2:15-17

It was one thing for me to feel defined by myself...but it is a whole other story when other people define me...like I have mentioned some before, my family can be a bit difficult at times in understanding how to talk to or work with me when it comes to food. Sometimes when I am having a good day and eating more than usual (which my dietician will argue is still not enough), someone made some comments like, "you just can't resist, can you?" or "you'd rather eat junk than actual food" or "you're eating so much"...then on the flip side, another family member commented when we were eating out that they were glad I wasn't eating and proceeded to tell me how much weight they had lost and how much they still needed to lose...granted I've already told this person several times to NEVER tell me about their weight loss journey...but do people listen...sadly, no. Apparently I am just defined by how, what, and when or if I eat...

Even professionals defined me at times. There were a few psychiatric hospitals that I was in where the treatment team...meaning the psychiatrist, therapist, and nurses automatically considered me "the anorexic" or "the girl that doesn't eat" and just like that, I would be labeled from the start. They honestly didn't know how to deal with me and would accuse me of sleeping on the ground if I passed out or would hand me an occasional meal replacement drink, and say, "just in case you want it." The other patients would hear about it too and they would talk about me...hello...it's not like I'm not sitting right there.

Perhaps the best story to tell is when we were having a group therapy session one day and when it came to my turn to be asked an icebreaker question, the therapist asked me, "what is your favorite dessert?" And before I can say anything, the girl across from me blurted out..."you can't ask her that, she's anorexic!" I tried saying it's fine, but the therapist made this big deal about it and then I didn't end up getting to answer an icebreaker question at all...so much for being treated equally. Let me tell you something...

People with eating disorders don't want to be treated differently...

They don't want to be treated as fragile or "frail"...

They don't want to walk on eggshells...

They don't want unnecessary, unhelpful, or hurtful comments...

They don't want to be crying over food or body image...

They don't want to be dismissed or seen as unimportant...

They don't want to believe the lies...

They don't want to hear your weight loss journey...

They don't want to hurt you or make things complicated about meal times...

They don't want the obsession with weight, food, numbers, etc...

They wish they didn't have this daily fight...

AND

They wish they weren't defined.

They don't want to be defined.

Don't be defined.

Anorexia doesn't define me.

God does. <3

Pray for NEDA Week!

Help raise awareness of eating disorders...

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

The Weight of a Relapse

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Sun, 10 Sep 2023 20:11:26 GMT

I didn't even see it coming...that's the scary part.

***TRIGGER WARNING*** Eating disorder topic, behaviors, and symptoms are discussed throughout this part of my story and so if you struggle with an eating disorder or disordered eating, I would advise you to read with caution or to click to another blog post, depending on where you are in your own journey.

To be honest, I didn't think a relapse would be that big of a deal...I was in denial...and I was very wrong. I had just completed eating disorder (ED) treatment about a year ago and I thought I was fine. I thought I was healed...even when I still struggled some days. The therapists and dieticians told us we would have "good" and "bad" days. So when I started slipping, more and more...I didn't notice. But I should have known...the start to summer was full of "triggers..." comparisons, comments about body image, talk about diet culture, you name it. But I didn't even see it coming...until the day I fainted right in the middle of a busy market place and the ambulance had to show up.

The moment that I woke up from being unconscious...suddenly, I knew, but I still tried to deny it. I tried telling myself this can't be a relapse. It's just a small slip up. This isn't that bad. I've got it under control. I won't let it get bad. I wanted to cry, but I kept it together, laughing off the questions of when I last ate or drank anything....it was a watermelon slice and green tea...the paramedics looked at me and told me that wasn't much and it was a bad combination. I didn't tell them that I was in recovery from Anorexia Nervosa because I was scared I'd get sent to treatment right then. But when I saw my mom...the look on her face broke me. When we finally talked, she told me that she noticed that my breakfasts started to get smaller over the last couple months and that I took longer to finish dinner or wouldn't finish at all...she noticed things that I did not at the time. Then she straight up asked me if I was fully engaging in the eating disorder...and I was so confused and conflicted, desperately wanting to deny the whole thing...so I simply said, "I don't know, maybe."

That sentence was everything. My confusion and denial just fueled the disorder even further. I became obsessed with seeing the number drop on the scale. I was obsessed with researching anything diet, food, or weight related. I was obsessed with body checking on the regular until it became all consuming. I restricted my caloric intake tighter and tighter each week until there was no where left to go. I was barely surviving on anything. And in my head...I justified it because I was not over-exercising this time like I used to in the past...but the truth is, that was because I literally had no energy left to give...this is the weight of a relapse:

I got sicker...and I was still blind to it.

I stayed in bed longer and longer.

I was tired all the time and slept the day away.

I had a hard time focusing and concentrating.

I couldn't work anymore and had to quit a job I loved.

I wasn't able to stand for very long.

I got ready for the day, sitting on the bathroom floor.

I was nauseous all the time.

I would lay down to try and relieve my tummy aches.

I was dizzy and unbalanced all the time.

I saw spots and my vision would black out at times.

I was shaky and unsteady a lot of the time.

My heart rate liked to drop too low.

I was sick and malnourished.

My mom cried, seeing me decline.

This is the weight of a relapse.

And that is not all of it...but it is most of my struggle in fighting this illness. Know that it is not like I did not try to get better or to get help, because that is the first thing that I did after passing out at that market scene. I had contacted my old dietician, and I was already seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. Then I joined a church recovery group that also gave me a mentor to meet with, but I also have a discipler from my old church. So that makes 5 one-on-one meetings a week and on top of that I also joined a virtual ED support group and attended various ED workshops. So I honestly did try, but it is hard to explain that my mind took it too far in being obsessed that I need additional help from a higher level of care...meaning, yes, I am going back to a residential treatment facility quite literally, tomorrow morning. I have been suffering both physically and mentally and I can no longer deny it. I have finally reached the point where I will take any help that I can get...and not because I am ready for recovery (definitely not there yet), but because I feel so stuck and alone...and treatment is the best next step I can take, even if I already have been through the treatment process...twice. It's still my best chance.

For those in my life that have been making comments...I am sorry you feel this way...or I know that some of you want to help, but sometimes it is more helpful to let me go to treatment for professional and medical help, then to try to intervene as sometimes this can be more harmful...or some have just said "triggering" comments...a bit of what I have heard:

You "should" be healed already.

(healing is a lifelong journey)

Why can't you "just eat"?

(it's not that simple...there's a lot of voices in my head)

Do you want to be sick your whole life?

(I never said that, and of course not)

Your body looks "perfectly healthy" the way it is.

(thank you, but it's hard for me to feel that way right now)

You "should" just have more faith and pray more.

(I do pray and value my faith...that is not the issue)

Just try this, it will "make you feel better".

(no thank you, it doesn't feel right for me and I need professional help)

You "should" know the coping skills.

(I do know a lot, but sometimes they don't help and I could always learn more)

You've done "all" the treatment before.

(not "all" and every treatment stay is different...there is more to learn)

I noticed you gained weight after ED treatment.

(NOT helpful!! And one of the "triggers" that started my relapse)

I lost x amount of weight doing y and you should try it.

(excuse me...the point is for me to get better, not get even worse)

My weight loss journey has been such a struggle for me.

(I'm sorry, I am not in a safe space mentally to hear about your weight loss journey)

Tells me anyway...

I honestly could add even more, but I will leave it at that and how much more difficult it is to try to want recovery when external voices are always so loud, sometimes even in safe places or from safe people. Wanting recovery is also just such a difficult topic because there are so many layers, which I will very well explore more in treatment. This is of course just a piece of my ED journey in understanding this severe of a relapse and the weight of going through one. It is much more of a big deal than I thought...because at least now I am not in denial anymore, and I can see that now...I can barely function and that does hit me hard...I'm just finding it difficult to find myself again and to find the motivation to recover. My daily prayer to God right now has been:

God, please give me the desire to recover from my ED,

because right now I have no intention of giving it up...please help.

Amen

This is actually what I wrote in my church recovery book about a week ago...and I have faith that I will get there one day...one day. And even though treatment is not ideal because I'll miss all my loved ones and support systems, I know they'll be cheering me on and waiting for me when I get to return. And even better...I've got the king of the universe on my side and the greatest comfort...so what have I got to lose? NOTHING! As I soar through the clouds very early tomorrow morning, towards an unknown residential environment that I am to call home for a while...somehow, the beauty of the sky will remind me that I am not alone...even when I feel like it, like I do now...I am never alone. <3

I will try my best to keep you all updated...but we will see how much blogging can be done in treatment!

Much love!

Perfect Anxiety

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Fri, 21 Jul 2023 17:26:45 GMT

"Why perfect?" you may ask...here's why...

It's like a ticking time bomb is about to go off in my chest, and yet each tick is perfectly on beat (the musician in me knows). The rhythm is clean, fast and maybe even speeds up and slows down, but the beat is still there...tick, tick, tick...reminding me in its own perfect way, that I'm still here - a heart that apparently does not listen when I tell it to calm down.

The ticking clock of a heart is just one way to explain what living with a diagnosed anxiety disorder is like...that's why it's perfect, because it is always the perfect reminder that your mind runs a little differently than other people. My mind is constantly running and the only thing that can help to shut it off at night, is to have music playing as I fall asleep...and even then, sometimes my heart is beating loudly in my ears and the voices in my head demand to be heard. And I'm medicated for my condition (that's a whole other topic we could get into another time) and it is still a daily struggle even with professional guidance and a great support system...so my heart goes out to those that are struggling on their own and I pray that you seek help.

This month is NATIONAL MINORITY MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH and know

that if you are a minority, people are fighting for you and there are resources available to you

just like there is for anyone else that would want to seek help!

https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Bebe-Moore-Campbell-National-Minority-Mental-Health-Awareness-Month

https://www.mhanational.org/bipoc/mental-health-month

Crisis Hotline: 988

You may wonder what could possibly be running through my mind all day, every day and that's just it...it can literally be anything, jumping from topic to topic or constantly streamlining questions. What do those people think of me? Did I say all the right things? Did I say or do something wrong? Will that make someone mad or upset, or worse, disappointed? What if I mess everything up? What if I self-sabotage and don't even know it, or worse, what if it's somehow on purpose? Am I meeting everyone's expectations...no, am I going beyond everyone's expectations? Am I achieving my own expectations that are probably unrealistic anyway? Is everything going as planned? If not, then I either shut down or panic, but sooner or later I've learned to pick myself back up and try again.

That's the other part of this perfect theme, I'm a perfectionist too. So you know what that means...I'm constantly replaying conversations I've had, scenarios, or interactions in my mind trying to make sure that I said or did all the right things and even when I try not to, I spend way too much time thinking of what I could have said or done differently, wishing I could take things back, or trying too hard to explain myself or "fix" it even though the person or group probably forgot about it already. I obsess over organizing things, mostly in my own space and feel anxious when something is out of place, and then of course in work or school, I want everything to be perfect too, even though realistically I know in my mind that I can only offer my best and nobody expects perfection.

And yet I still carry around this weight of expectations with me of what I either know, but mostly "think" people's expectations are of me. It becomes an awfully big burden to bear and I know that in the bible, in 1 Peter 5:7, it says

"Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you,"

and I try really hard to and have to do this on a daily basis, but my mind just races and I have to sometimes beg God for it to stop. Thankfully, sometimes I do get a break...mostly by imagining that Jesus is giving me the biggest hug and that I'm handing him a swirling ball with all my thoughts and worries. He takes it, breaks it, and for a while, I feel free until all that anxiety comes creeping back again, but it helps and I hope that maybe it will help someone too.

Here's a list of things that I have tried that have temporary relieved my anxious-filled mind, but know that even if temporary it still makes a huge difference because everyone deserves a break!

Imagining you're giving Jesus (or whoever you would like) something (an actual items that contain your anxiety) and they break it
Journaling (but not getting lost in it, because that can cause more anxiety)
Talking to a counselor or a loved one you are really comfortable around (enough to not be worried about being judged)
Watching a tv show or movie (sometimes it is helpful, sometimes it is hard to focus on it, just depends on how you're feeling)
Listening to music (really listening to the lyrics or singing along)
Playing or improvising on a musical instrument (for me this is piano, because I can play how I'm feeling and imagine releasing it)
Ripping paper or scribbling (SO therapeutic!)
Using fidgets or deep breathing
Making a "therapy box" where I have fidgets, slime, coloring books, word searches, crafts, cute Disney-themed inspirational quotes (but you can make it your own!)

Again, I will say, temporary makes a huge difference, because when you live with an anxiety disorder, it is a daily battle of fighting your thoughts and a cycle of calming yourself down when your heart starts to tick just a little too quickly...to the point where you can barely catch your breath and you start to get light-headed. It is never a good feeling, but it is what we live with and I have learned to live with it and accepted it as another part of my story and testimony. I hope that reaches your ears as encouragement that even in the midst of struggle, God will use your story for good and I hope that he uses this post as encouragement to anyone living with anxiety that God has got you and he will never let you fall completely, even when you feel the ground slipping from beneath you and even when you think you've hit rock bottom - he will be there, and that I can promise you.

Summer Memories

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Tue, 27 Jun 2023 16:41:54 GMT

This summer is a real one...

Recently I've had the time to dip my toes in the pool while reading a nice novel, or to sit by a pond of fish and feel the breeze. I've been blessed, because this is the first time I feel like I am having a real summer. A summer where I can relax. A summer where I can just do life. A summer where I can let myself be free. Sure, we are in the process of moving...again. But somehow, I am still finding joy in the midst of all the stress -- that is the true blessing.

As I sit out in nature and thank God for his creation and all he has done in my life, I cannot help but let my mind wander. Even with all the counseling, I still haven't figured out if that is a good thing or not -- reflecting on the past reminds me of how far I've come, but also, it brings back a darkness. So as I remember the memories...my summer memories, know that I am somewhat trying to let go. Maybe one day I won't have the constant reminder of them, but to simply live with the fact that it is a part of my story and I can move on -- we can all hope.

Honestly, I don't remember much about my childhood summers up until high school. It seems I've blocked out a lot of memories from my younger years, or so I've been told. But about my summers in high school, I made some great memories at a lot of the camps I was at, but there was also a deep pain in my heart. I was not wanted at home for various reasons and so I was sent from camp to camp. Church camps. Music camps. Academic camps (more like a college prep program). You name it. It was exhausting and I felt shoved around as if there was no stability or structure and the frustration just built over the years.

So when I went to college, you would have thought that I would have liked to slow down and really enjoy a summer for once...wrong. There was this void in me and so I threw myself wholeheartedly into work and school, even into the summer, to the point where I would juggle working at camps while also holding other jobs on the side. Babysitting. Dog sitting. Piano accompanying. Playing in a band. Resident Assistant. Marketing my published book. Again, you name it. I pushed myself too far, I'll admit it. Perhaps it is my greatest regret...but of course, let's not dwell on that.

The past two years was a real living nightmare, as I'm sure some of you know from reading my blog and parts of my story that I have published. After two college summers of working myself to death, literally, I crashed and ended up in the hospital. So the summer after junior year, I spent my time in and out of psych hospitals and at a long term treatment center in New Mexico where I was neglected. Perhaps this is part of my story that you have not heard before and that is because I have not talked much about how I was treated at this specific center that was supposed to be caring for me. Don't get me wrong, I made lasting friendships there and some of the staff, I really connected with, but overall, the system failed and I got sent back to TX -- thankfully. Maybe I'll tell you more about it sometime...just maybe.

My mom promised the doctors to take care of me and so I was blessed to do an outpatient program while we lived in different hotels. That was stressful by itself, having to jump from hotel to hotel, living out of a suitcase and for me, trying to live in society again. The following summer, last year, I was completing another outpatient program in Georgia after spending months in other residential treatment centers. It felt like the treatment cycle would never end...but after two years, I've been 8 months free! I pray constantly that with God's strength, I will continue to do life well and I know there is no shame if I ever need the additional help again, but the goal is to stay as mentally healthy as I can be.

I'm sure you're probably wondering why I share my story and why I chose to write a summary about my summers. Most people would certainly shy away from being open about mental illness and how it has impacted one's life. But I don't want to be like most people. I want to be open about it so people will talk and hopefully ask questions and understand. I am specifically telling you about the past two summers because I want you to really see how special this summer is to me...how much it means to have a real summer to myself and to share it with those in my life when I've been torn away from my loved ones in the past.

I can still feel the pain that I felt and the tears that I cried when I sat in those treatment centers, longing to just be with my own support system back home. You have no idea how much I cherish hugs and conversations from those I love now, when I used to take it for granted. Not anymore. When everything you've known has been ripped away from you, you learn to appreciate everything all the more and to truly thank God for his blessings. So this summer, as I sit out in the unfortunate heat, by the pond, I thank God when a breeze passes by, because you just never know when you won't be able to feel the sun on your face and the wind blowing through your hair.

Lines

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Wed, 08 Mar 2023 01:33:20 GMT

How would you represent success?

“I’m telling you, you draw it like this,” a boy grumbled to his friend, drawing it out once more.

“No, I saw our teacher do this!”

“Dude! That was an example, not what we’re actually supposed to do, don’t you ever pay attention to directions?”

“I seriously think you’re wrong,” the friend muttered.

“Wrong? Really, where’s your common sense? Give me one good reason why success is best represented by a straight line instead of scribbles,” the boy challenged, pointing to their drawings on the table.

“It’s cause you’re headed on the right path, duh…and everyone knows if you’re on the right path then you’re headed for success.”

“You’re forgetting about all the challenges and twists and turns that goes with it.”

“Why does that matter if you’re on the right path and still aiming for success, it shouldn’t deter you from your goal,” the friend argued, drawing the line again to enunciate his point.

“Ugh, you’re hopeless,” the boy groaned, standing up and heading towards the door, “good luck in life with that overly optimistic view of yours.”

A City Night

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Sun, 22 Jan 2023 21:48:28 GMT

Bright lights shone brightly all around as traffic rushed here and there.

The night was buzzing with life, filled with intensity…anticipation…of someone…or something.

Red laser beams of stripes flew around in a flurry as the buildings glowed,

shining brightly as if it was a star in the clear blue sky.

There was no moon in sight.

A person stood staring in the far off distance,

a tiny dot of imagination that gazed out among the nighttime wonder,

lost in thought, imagining the beauty of those wondrous lights.

And in that figurative imagination, there read the title:

A City Night.

On The Outside Looking In

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Mon, 20 Sep 2021 02:48:18 GMT

Living with Mental Illness

I smile...almost always, especially in public. I laugh...a lot, especially with loved ones and friends. I socialize...always looking to make a new connection or a new friend, especially since you never know what could come of a relationship or the difference you could make. I help...it's in my nature to lend a hand, especially when I see someone in need. I strive for success...trying my best in everything, especially to better myself and those around me. I dream...believing the sky is the limit, especially since all things are possible with God. So what is the problem?

Many would say that it is all in your head...and...they're not wrong, but where they are is the fact that it's not a choice and it is out of our control. Let me tell you a little bit of what exactly goes on up in the brain...more specifically, my brain...of someone living with a mental illness, or in my case, a few of them. I should say that here is your ***trigger warning*** and where you should STOP reading if you are triggered or uncomfortable with the thoughts that goes on inside the head of someone that deals with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, an eating disorder (ED), self-harm, and suicidal ideation. I say please for the sake of your own mental health, but for those that would benefit from this in better understanding those that struggle on a daily basis, I give you "On The Outside Looking In."

No one knew. It was easier that way. I walked down the hallway in school, smiling, waving, catching up with friends. On the outside, I looked like a normal kid with a relatively normal social life. What no one knew, was the fact that every time I walked down a crowded hallway, I was internally screaming, fighting the urge to flinch whenever someone would get too close or accidentally bump into me. My heart was racing and I had to remind myself to breathe, telling myself that I only had to make it to the classroom and it would be fine. Friends would comment that I walked too fast and I just played it off as that's just who I am and that they "walked too slow." Humor. Sarcasm. I'm told I'm funny even though I'll deny it and that just seems to make people laugh harder. However, what they don't know is that I am constantly deflecting, meaning that I'll use whatever I possibly can to make sure that you don't ever see the struggle and panic inside. It's easier that way. I am obsessively watching my back, looking around while pretending that I'm just a curious person when I'm out in public, but in reality I am in a constant state of fear and my fight or flight response is on edge. PTSD does that to you. Your heart is pounding majority of the day when you are out and about until eventually you hardly even notice and the hand tremors from adrenaline becomes just another part of your daily life. You adapt and make the best of it, but even then a loud noise, slamming door, screaming, arguments, flashing emergency lights, a tap on the shoulder, someone standing behind you, familiar traumatic places, faces, memories, or even certain words or phrases can send you spiraling into a flashback...then, at night it leaves you with nightmares. There's literally no escape and I feel trapped in a cage. Everything fades away and you're left in the past, only snapping out of it when someone calls your name, even then your mind feels foggy and disassociated like you forgot what just happened. Your memory and ability to remember things comes and goes because of this constant back and forth. How did I get away with hiding this...simple, I'd just say that I was thinking about something and then apologize for not hearing what someone said before asking if they could repeat it. Most of the time, no one questions it and even if they do, trust me, I've got dozens of excuses and things I could say. My hiding tendencies always work in my favor...that's what happens when you get too good at hiding your darkest secrets, that is, until you hit a dead end.

I have always cared way too much about what people think of me and when I am out in public, my mind is constantly running, wondering who is watching and who could possibly be judging me. And the worst part is...I can't turn it off...I'm always thinking about doing things "perfectly" and it is absolutely exhausting. There's this mask you put on to meet expectations and standards that you believe people have placed on you even if it might have never been directly told to you. It didn't have to be, because when you have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), you automatically worry that people won't like you if you don't do something a certain way or say something exactly right. You worry that you won't fit in. You worry that you won't make your family proud and it doesn't matter if they tell you that you do because your brain tells you otherwise. You worry that you'll forget to do something, so you are always making a list and checking your planner like 50 times a day. You worry that you will miss something important, so you are always checking your phone and opening up your email like every 5 minutes. You worry that something terrible will happen because your mind is catastrophizing and going to the worst case scenario, so you take precautions and obsess over details since you never know what could lead to a disaster. You worry about how you look and so it takes sometimes up to an hour to choose what to wear the next day, and yes it has to be set out the night before because you'll be late if you try to pick it in the morning. You ask questions for even more clarification even though it might not be necessary because you just don't want to mess anything up. You worry about the future, having to have like the next 10 years planned out, or at least the next year planned out completely because if not, you feel out of control and helpless. You worry over unnecessary trivial things like the fact that you haven't cut your fingernails and they are getting long, or the fact that you haven't alphabetized your bookshelf and one day you might not be able to find a book you're looking for (which is totally unrealistic, but my mind actually thinks these things...). And the list could honestly go on, because that is exactly what anxiety does to you...it's time consuming and it keeps your mind running...constantly...and when it gets to be too much, that's when a panic or anxiety attack sets in, leaving you unable to breathe properly, shaking, sitting on the bathroom floor to be away from people, nauseous, dizzy, unable to think straight. And what's even worse...you do everything in your power to make sure no one knows. Once I felt an attack coming on, all I had to do was tell someone that I had to take care of something, step out for a while and return as if nothing had ever happened. It was easier that way.

I feel like I am a failure, especially for having a mental illness. That is what my brain says to me and don't get me wrong, I fight back and tell myself that it's not true, but that doesn't make the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness go away. Living with major depressive disorder (MDD), you are constantly fighting with yourself, having those internal arguments throughout your entire day, every single day of your life...think about how incredibly exhausting that would be. It's like fighting with someone every single minute of the day, yelling, screaming, all of it...all...the...time. No one knows the turmoil that goes on up in my head. I can be doing homework and my mind is screaming that I am doing a horrible job, that I can't do anything right, that I'm not smart enough and never will be. The amount of focus and concentration it takes for me to get things done is unreal and sometimes I'm left with a headache afterwards...but of course, no one knew because I still accomplished a lot and turned out on top most of the time. I can be out with friends and the thoughts are yelling that no one likes me, I become sensitive, losing friends sometimes in the process, insecure and clingy, pushing people further away. In the logical part of my head, I know none of that is true...but the disordered part takes over and feeds me these lies until I start believing more and more that they might be reality. My judgement gets clouded and I start to lose sight of what my future holds for me. I start to forget about the people around me and retreat into a world of isolation while somehow barely surviving, still upholding my social, perfectionism status. When people ask me how I'm doing...it's easier to just say "I'm fine" or "I'm good." It's easier to hide behind a smile or laugh and accomplishments, but honestly, internally I would feel nothing. The world fades to grey and everything becomes numb to where I am simply moving through the motions and just doing what I'm told without second thought. Distractions and having an overwhelming busy schedule would feed my isolation because despite being in a room of people, I felt even more alone and I could just continue to stuff down my emotions, hoping to never let them out. It's hard to get up in the morning...taking at least an hour because you have to convince yourself that you can face the world that day. Sometimes you don't want to talk or be around people at all. Other days I find myself laying on the floor completely lacking motivation, crying, curled up, whispering for God to just help me. That is the raw truth...several breaking points along the way that I never wanted anyone to know. It was easier that way.

My insecurities about myself and people liking me falls into an even deeper hole. Now this I was the best at hiding...food and me don't get along and neither do my emotions. I don't even consider them a part of me...it's so much easier to push it all away. The meals I stared at for hours at the dinner table were hardly ever finished, and other times I snuck the rest of my food to my cousin or the dog. Those snacks that my parents would sometimes give to me in case I'd get hungry would just go to a friend or into the trash. School lunches were the easiest to skip, or I could trade things away for healthier options that other kids didn't want like their piece of fruit. And before I go any further, yes I feel extremely guilty by the amount of food that I've wasted over the years...but please understand that my mind screams that it should go anywhere except into my body. Surviving on protein and meal replacement drinks became a cycle at different points in my life. The restricting-binge cycle is real and it is also exhausting. I'm obsessed with calories counting, my mind won't stop thinking about what exactly I eat and the nutritional value. I again fight with myself when I am craving something, but having to tell myself that I don't need it...my eating disorder telling me that I am already big and I can't afford to add anything else to the scale. My mind tells me that I hate myself, that I don't like my body and I cry knowing that God made me in his image, but it is so hard to find it in me to love myself when I feel beyond broken, shattered, and am not even able to see the real me because of my distorted image when I look in the mirror. I throw out food when I panic after emotionally eating excessively and I don't even want food in my sight whenever possible, absolutely dreading whenever I have to eat out. People don't notice because I fake self-confidence in how I look or dress and I'll still eat when I am out and about, but that means excessive exercise later...and if I completely finish my plate, did you know that I ordered the meal with the least amount of calories? Ever wonder why it takes me forever to order when out somewhere new? Breakfast is a nonexistent meal for me on the regular, and you better believe that I am always thinking about my next workout and how I'm going to push myself past my limit once again. Dizzy spells, spotty vision, heart palpitations, and fatigue are second-nature to me...some complications of atypical anorexia and I just never mentioned it and so no one knew, that is until now, so to ED treatment I go.

The downhill spiral is a familiar feeling. You automatically know when your mental illnesses are drowning you and you dread what is to come. Thoughts become darker and darker with each passing moment and for me it reaches a point where I fear myself. Unfortunately that fear makes me fight even harder to ensure that no one knows what is really going on in my fragile state of mind. I start to beg God to put me out of my misery because I can't think and I am jumbled and all over the place. I beg Him to take me home because I just don't see a purpose in living in emotional pain every single day. My ability to cope with distractions goes out the window because I stuffed my emotions and thoughts for too long...the self-harming starts up again and I lose the willpower to stop myself. It is addictive because it makes you feel real and alive for a short moment when you just feel so numb inside. For those that have never experienced this and I hope that you haven't, it would be impossible for you to completely understand. You think we are causing ourselves more pain, but in reality we actually don't feel the pain because the feeling of being in control overpowers that. Eventually, things continue to head downhill when we talk about the battle with suicidal ideation. This is also a constant fight. I could go over a million reasons why I should stay and write out all the names of people I love and am thankful for, but even that does not stop the thoughts from forming. I feel like such a burden, especially if my loved ones knew that I might need help. And yet I keep quiet and do my best to hide it because I'm scared I'll be judged and we are told not to talk about it...the stigma silently indicates that successful individuals or role models shouldn't even struggle with this...it is a topic that is avoided and people are uncomfortable, being quick to judge, saying that we are just attention-seeking or selfish...and yet that is the exact thing that leads us to actually attempting. I'm blessed to still be alive and receiving the help that I need, but others are not as fortunate and my heart breaks that our society was one of the main reasons that pushed them to their end. Check up on your loved ones...it's often the people that seem like they have everything together that are falling apart the most. That saying that "no one knew..." needs to be the thing that comes to an end, not a life.

Let me voice the truth...when I attempted to take my life about a year ago, I honestly did not want to die...I merely wanted to escape my dark mind and the unbearable amount of pain, expectations, anxiety, depression, insecurities, flashbacks, and exhaustion I was in because I saw no other way out. And I got help and continue to get help still today...and let me tell you, it is the best decision I could ever make for myself, and even though it is the hardest one to make, it is easier this way. It is easier because even though you will still struggle, you have other individuals that you can relate to. It is easier because you gain coping skills and tools that help you fight. It is easier because the more you are open, the more your people know how to help, the more they might understand, the more you educate the community, leading the world a step closer to being safer and more accepting of those living with mental illnesses. It is easier because you learn to eventually love yourself and see yourself the way that God sees you...His beautiful child. It is easier because you will have days where you look forward to all that is in store for your bright future even if it is hard to see it in the moment...in the long run, it is worth it. You are worth it!

There is so much more that I could say...the mind is so complex and the intricacies of mental illnesses and how they impede my daily functioning is a lived experience, hardly justified by a few paragraphs on a blog. However, I hope it provides some insight and a look into my mind in all my vulnerability. I hope that it brings about a bit more understanding, especially in the fact that this invisible disability can be hidden from the outside and may never be noticed by some in your life until it's too late, so never judge and take anyone's behavior personally. I hope that it gives those that are hurting the strength to reach out for help when you need it...and that you find what you are looking for on the lifelong healing journey, whatever step you take first. Know that you are never alone and you are loved beyond measure! <3

September is Suicide Awareness Month.

If you or a loved one are in distress, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

Miracles Happen

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Thu, 08 Jul 2021 00:22:39 GMT

My Story

***trigger warnings: suicide and self-harm***

October 22, 2020 was the day of my worst nightmare. No one predicts when these things happen…when your depression takes control and steals the joy from your life…when your PTSD leaves you separated from reality, disassociating…when your anxiety has you suffocating…when you lose yourself and are unable to think in the moment…when you end up doing something that you will regret for the rest of your life. All I know is that I was utterly exhausted and I wanted the suffering and exhaustion of my lifetime to be gone. In an instant, I believed that I would not have to fight anymore, that I would not have to feel nothing and be numb anymore, that I would not have to live up to expectations set for me, that maybe, just maybe, I could be free from the pain and suffering. However, that’s not how life works and God had other plans in store for me. The night of my overdose, I remember replaying my life in my mind as I laid my head down to go to sleep, thinking I would never wake up again. At first I saw the hurt, pain, abuse, assaults, trauma, betrayal, rejection, self-harm, fear throughout the course of my childhood…but then I reached my college years. Laughter, singing, late movie nights, spontaneous adventures, plans for the future, crafting moments, university events, being myself free from judgement around my three roommates who are truly my sisters…I saw beauty and I instantly regretted my decision, but it was too late…

Flash back to the spring of 2018 when I remember connecting online with who I would become college roommates. Her name was Katlynn and we connected over books, nature and music as we asked each other a question a week to get to know one another. We were cautious at first, not knowing who each other really was and if we could trust living together. But God knew. He knew we would need each other in the happiest of times and in the darkest. He knew what he was doing from the minute he let our lives cross paths. From the moment we finally met in person on dorm move-in day, it was an immediate bond and our friendship grew throughout our freshman year and into our sophomore year as we became Resident Assistants (RAs) together. My mental health was an emotional roller coaster at the time, especially when I went back to self-harming, but Kat was patient, caring, encouraging, and the best listening ear all the times I needed somebody. We ranted and confided in each other and the friendship became inseparable. She became someone that I would trust with my life because when junior year came and when the unthinkable happened, God chose her to save my life.

A miracle happened…doctors say so. I opened my eyes, barely, but it was enough…enough to call Kat at a bizarre hour of the morning. And she answered and without hesitation, she was by my side, calling for emergency services. That was God no doubt. I don’t really remember anything until I had been in the hospital for almost the whole day. The days following that, the side effects of all the medications in my system was taxing and my body was fighting to survive. I wanted to survive. I wanted to live. And despite not feeling deserving, God gave me a second chance. They were drawing blood every 3 hours and the next time they did, everything was normal. They were monitoring my heart when abnormalities disappeared and the rhythm went back to normal. When they checked everything else, they came back puzzled, telling me that I was lucky to have come out alive without any damage left to my body. But I don’t believe it was luck as they called it…I know it for what it truly was…a miracle.

God knew what he was doing from day one when He placed Kat in my life for a reason. He knew what He was doing when my struggles, suicide attempt and the prayers she prayed eventually led her to give her life to Christ and become a believer. He knew that He would use us to save each other. Our story of friendship is one that I share to let you know that with God all things are possible. I share it to let you know that miracles do happen. I share it to let you see God’s hand from the beginning of one friend to another now bonded as sisters in Christ. He can use you, literally anyone, and He has a plan in store for you. I pray blessings over anyone that is reading this — you are worthy and you are loved.

“Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things. Who is like you, God? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.” - Psalm 71:19-21

Enchanted Dream

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Sat, 25 Jan 2020 00:03:34 GMT

Sprinkles of droplets, falling from the sky.

Waterfalls of beauty, falling in a line.

Cascading, streaming, touching the surface of a pond,

pooling together, and forming a glorious divine.

The rain forest leaves rub together in hushed rustles.

No sound is heard except the occasion tweet or whistle.

Crystal blue water.

Green forest leaves.

Gray solid rocks.

White flowing stream.

Sweet scented air.

Soft nature sounds.

Peace filled ambiance.

The enchanted dream.

Puzzle Completed

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Mon, 25 Nov 2019 04:11:14 GMT

Trembling fingers, sweating palms.

Quickened breathing and fear-gripped thoughts.

A glowing piece of light diminishing as the pieces came together one by one.

It was the ultimate test of time in which the results would guarantee no flaws.

In a world of perfect happiness they were taught to conform.

It was tests like these that would determine their place in society and this one child in particular knew that he had lost.

The light was almost completely gone.

He reached for that last piece that would be a devastating cost.

It was the very last piece of the puzzle that would uncover all.

His hand hovered.

His mind raced.

What had he done?

It was too late now.

He sealed his fate.

The puzzle was complete, submerging and handing all to the dark.

Strawberry Milk

jannher13@gmail.com (Janna Herron) — Fri, 08 Nov 2019 07:17:23 GMT

Breakfast was terror.

Breakfast was feared.

Breakfast was…a complete, utter, mess.

Groaning, the mother of four pulled herself out of bed and tumbled down the stairs to look through the pantry.

“Mommy!” her youngest screamed, “I’m hungry!”

“Yeah mom, me too!”

“Me too!”

“Hey, what are we having for breakfast?” the eldest grumbled, plopping down in a chair.

The mother did not reply to her children and simply picked up a few cereal boxes and dumped them in the center of the kitchen table.

“There’s your choices,” she said, walking to the fridge and pouring milk into four bowls.

She placed each one in front of her children before starting to head back upstairs, but the voice of her youngest stopped her in her tracks.

“No, mommy, I want strawberry milk!”

Sighing, the mother turned back around and grabbed what her child wanted, dropping a single strawberry into the midst of her milk-filled bowl.

Her children stared in silence.

“There, strawberry milk,” she said, yawning.

Tiny

Fri, 08 Nov 2019 07:01:04 GMT

Blue skies of a gradient shade.

An image that was perfectly made,

Staring and holding steady as something tiny flew up high.

Tiny – minuscule in size of colored stripes – and small to the eyes,

Squinting and straining to make out the figure in sight.

It lifted towards the darker shades of the sky.

The eyes panicked, frantically surveying trails of the tiny –

the little –

the mighty –

strength of an army –

Lifting towards darker shades of the sky.

There!

The hot air pressed forth and moved quicker in motion,

Diligently working to lift the balloon higher into the sky.

It wavered, trembled, stumbled –

that tiny, little, mighty –

balloon way up high.