The Weight of a Relapse

***TRIGGER WARNING*** Eating disorder topic, behaviors, and symptoms are discussed throughout this part of my story and so if you struggle with an eating disorder or disordered eating, I would advise you to read with caution or to click to another blog post, depending on where you are in your own journey.

To be honest, I didn't think a relapse would be that big of a deal...I was in denial...and I was very wrong. I had just completed eating disorder (ED) treatment about a year ago and I thought I was fine. I thought I was healed...even when I still struggled some days. The therapists and dieticians told us we would have "good" and "bad" days. So when I started slipping, more and more...I didn't notice. But I should have known...the start to summer was full of "triggers..." comparisons, comments about body image, talk about diet culture, you name it. But I didn't even see it coming...until the day I fainted right in the middle of a busy market place and the ambulance had to show up.

The moment that I woke up from being unconscious...suddenly, I knew, but I still tried to deny it. I tried telling myself this can't be a relapse. It's just a small slip up. This isn't that bad. I've got it under control. I won't let it get bad. I wanted to cry, but I kept it together, laughing off the questions of when I last ate or drank anything....it was a watermelon slice and green tea...the paramedics looked at me and told me that wasn't much and it was a bad combination. I didn't tell them that I was in recovery from Anorexia Nervosa because I was scared I'd get sent to treatment right then. But when I saw my mom...the look on her face broke me. When we finally talked, she told me that she noticed that my breakfasts started to get smaller over the last couple months and that I took longer to finish dinner or wouldn't finish at all...she noticed things that I did not at the time. Then she straight up asked me if I was fully engaging in the eating disorder...and I was so confused and conflicted, desperately wanting to deny the whole thing...so I simply said, "I don't know, maybe."

That sentence was everything. My confusion and denial just fueled the disorder even further. I became obsessed with seeing the number drop on the scale. I was obsessed with researching anything diet, food, or weight related. I was obsessed with body checking on the regular until it became all consuming. I restricted my caloric intake tighter and tighter each week until there was no where left to go. I was barely surviving on anything. And in my head...I justified it because I was not over-exercising this time like I used to in the past...but the truth is, that was because I literally had no energy left to give...this is the weight of a relapse:

I got sicker...and I was still blind to it.

I stayed in bed longer and longer.

I was tired all the time and slept the day away.

I had a hard time focusing and concentrating.

I couldn't work anymore and had to quit a job I loved.

I wasn't able to stand for very long.

I got ready for the day, sitting on the bathroom floor.

I was nauseous all the time.

I would lay down to try and relieve my tummy aches.

I was dizzy and unbalanced all the time.

I saw spots and my vision would black out at times.

I was shaky and unsteady a lot of the time.

My heart rate liked to drop too low.

I was sick and malnourished.

My mom cried, seeing me decline.

This is the weight of a relapse.

And that is not all of it...but it is most of my struggle in fighting this illness. Know that it is not like I did not try to get better or to get help, because that is the first thing that I did after passing out at that market scene. I had contacted my old dietician, and I was already seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. Then I joined a church recovery group that also gave me a mentor to meet with, but I also have a discipler from my old church. So that makes 5 one-on-one meetings a week and on top of that I also joined a virtual ED support group and attended various ED workshops. So I honestly did try, but it is hard to explain that my mind took it too far in being obsessed that I need additional help from a higher level of care...meaning, yes, I am going back to a residential treatment facility quite literally, tomorrow morning. I have been suffering both physically and mentally and I can no longer deny it. I have finally reached the point where I will take any help that I can get...and not because I am ready for recovery (definitely not there yet), but because I feel so stuck and alone...and treatment is the best next step I can take, even if I already have been through the treatment process...twice. It's still my best chance.

For those in my life that have been making comments...I am sorry you feel this way...or I know that some of you want to help, but sometimes it is more helpful to let me go to treatment for professional and medical help, then to try to intervene as sometimes this can be more harmful...or some have just said "triggering" comments...a bit of what I have heard:

You "should" be healed already.

(healing is a lifelong journey)

Why can't you "just eat"?

(it's not that simple...there's a lot of voices in my head)

Do you want to be sick your whole life?

(I never said that, and of course not)

Your body looks "perfectly healthy" the way it is.

(thank you, but it's hard for me to feel that way right now)

You "should" just have more faith and pray more.

(I do pray and value my faith...that is not the issue)

Just try this, it will "make you feel better".

(no thank you, it doesn't feel right for me and I need professional help)

You "should" know the coping skills.

(I do know a lot, but sometimes they don't help and I could always learn more)

You've done "all" the treatment before.

(not "all" and every treatment stay is different...there is more to learn)

I noticed you gained weight after ED treatment.

(NOT helpful!! And one of the "triggers" that started my relapse)

I lost x amount of weight doing y and you should try it.

(excuse me...the point is for me to get better, not get even worse)

My weight loss journey has been such a struggle for me.

(I'm sorry, I am not in a safe space mentally to hear about your weight loss journey)

Tells me anyway...

I honestly could add even more, but I will leave it at that and how much more difficult it is to try to want recovery when external voices are always so loud, sometimes even in safe places or from safe people. Wanting recovery is also just such a difficult topic because there are so many layers, which I will very well explore more in treatment. This is of course just a piece of my ED journey in understanding this severe of a relapse and the weight of going through one. It is much more of a big deal than I thought...because at least now I am not in denial anymore, and I can see that now...I can barely function and that does hit me hard...I'm just finding it difficult to find myself again and to find the motivation to recover. My daily prayer to God right now has been:

God, please give me the desire to recover from my ED,

because right now I have no intention of giving it up...please help.

Amen

This is actually what I wrote in my church recovery book about a week ago...and I have faith that I will get there one day...one day. And even though treatment is not ideal because I'll miss all my loved ones and support systems, I know they'll be cheering me on and waiting for me when I get to return. And even better...I've got the king of the universe on my side and the greatest comfort...so what have I got to lose? NOTHING! As I soar through the clouds very early tomorrow morning, towards an unknown residential environment that I am to call home for a while...somehow, the beauty of the sky will remind me that I am not alone...even when I feel like it, like I do now...I am never alone. <3

I will try my best to keep you all updated...but we will see how much blogging can be done in treatment!

Much love!