Anorexia Doesn't Define Me

Eating disorder are all-consuming...taking up every area of life and depriving you of joy, depriving you of health, depriving you of trust...you name it and it has probably taken it away or at least tried to. This makes it all too easy to be defined by an eating disorder...and with Anorexia, that obsession with the "thin idea" has you believing the lies of the enemy that you are never worthy enough unless you shrink yourself far enough -- therefore defining yourself by an illness that feeds you lies and traps that are all to easy to fall into. I wish I could say that I did not fall into this false belief...but when you have had an eating disorder for so long, and you have been influenced by others...it becomes easier said than done. Let me tell you what I mean...

Disordered eating in my life started when I was a toddler...I was picky, selective, fought every meal and barely ever wanted to finish...so in my family, I was already labeled as the "difficult one" when it came to food. This identity carried me throughout my childhood because controlling food meant that I had control over something and that felt fulfilling, satisfying, and more than enough. When I took this even further in middle school, severely restricting my food intake and relying on meal replacements and protein shakes at times, I remember taking pride when friends at our cafeteria table would tell me I had so much "self-control" and that they did not know how I could do it. Not long after, the school counselors noticed and my parents were informed that I needed treatment for Anorexia, to which they refused and denied it...that was the first time I heard that diagnosis and for some reason relief flooded me because it felt like I finally knew what was "wrong" with me -- I had already defined myself without even really wanting to and without even really knowing...it is a trap!

In college, I was the girl that struggled...especially when I ended up in and out of hospitals and treatment centers. The first time I went to eating disorder treatment, I ended up in the hospital for COVID pneumonia where they also found that I had Refeeding Syndrome (complications from "refeeding" or eating again after a long period of food restriction) and many nutritional deficiencies...so I was sent to a residential treatment facility. Even at this treatment center for about 5 months, I fought the process because I wanted to be the "sickest" one there and the funny thing is...I just never felt "sick enough"...more lies from the enemy. I just wanted to be defined by an illness that would make me more socially acceptable to this world and praised for my control...the complete opposite of what Jesus tells us...because we cannot love both the world and God.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

1 John 2:15-17

It was one thing for me to feel defined by myself...but it is a whole other story when other people define me...like I have mentioned some before, my family can be a bit difficult at times in understanding how to talk to or work with me when it comes to food. Sometimes when I am having a good day and eating more than usual (which my dietician will argue is still not enough), someone made some comments like, "you just can't resist, can you?" or "you'd rather eat junk than actual food" or "you're eating so much"...then on the flip side, another family member commented when we were eating out that they were glad I wasn't eating and proceeded to tell me how much weight they had lost and how much they still needed to lose...granted I've already told this person several times to NEVER tell me about their weight loss journey...but do people listen...sadly, no. Apparently I am just defined by how, what, and when or if I eat...

Even professionals defined me at times. There were a few psychiatric hospitals that I was in where the treatment team...meaning the psychiatrist, therapist, and nurses automatically considered me "the anorexic" or "the girl that doesn't eat" and just like that, I would be labeled from the start. They honestly didn't know how to deal with me and would accuse me of sleeping on the ground if I passed out or would hand me an occasional meal replacement drink, and say, "just in case you want it." The other patients would hear about it too and they would talk about me...hello...it's not like I'm not sitting right there.

Perhaps the best story to tell is when we were having a group therapy session one day and when it came to my turn to be asked an icebreaker question, the therapist asked me, "what is your favorite dessert?" And before I can say anything, the girl across from me blurted out..."you can't ask her that, she's anorexic!" I tried saying it's fine, but the therapist made this big deal about it and then I didn't end up getting to answer an icebreaker question at all...so much for being treated equally. Let me tell you something...

People with eating disorders don't want to be treated differently...

They don't want to be treated as fragile or "frail"...

They don't want to walk on eggshells...

They don't want unnecessary, unhelpful, or hurtful comments...

They don't want to be crying over food or body image...

They don't want to be dismissed or seen as unimportant...

They don't want to believe the lies...

They don't want to hear your weight loss journey...

They don't want to hurt you or make things complicated about meal times...

They don't want the obsession with weight, food, numbers, etc...

They wish they didn't have this daily fight...

AND

They wish they weren't defined.

They don't want to be defined.

Don't be defined.

Anorexia doesn't define me.

God does. <3

Pray for NEDA Week!

Help raise awareness of eating disorders...

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/