A Troubling Mind

I was recently incredibly blessed to have been a guest speaker on the podcast, "Elisha's Space" where the intersection of faith and mental health is talked about. Throughout the conversation, I shared some of my story and talked about my newly released book, Brokenness Restored: The Path to Recovery is a Healing Journey. What I did not expect to take away from that conversation, was just how troubling the mind can be, and most specifically...my mind.

I was asked a question that was deeply insightful and honestly, it caught me a bit by surprise. Rarely does anyone ever ask someone to describe the internal mind of someone living with the eating disorder Anorexia because most people only see the physical effects of the disorder. It is usually the external shell and physical symptoms that are discussed and more prevalently pushed because that is where most people, especially professionals are worried about the individual's health, rightly so. However, an eating disorder is first and foremost a mental health disorder although it clearly affects the physical.

On the podcast episode, I was asked how Anorexia affects me spiritually and mentally on a day-to-day basis and by being asked that question, I felt most clearly seen. I think that if you've been following my journey, you may already know that I have named the eating disorder voice in my head as "Ed" for eating disorder. The positive voice in my mind is "Hope" and honestly, shout out to Hope for having to share a living space with negative, bullying, awfully critical Ed.

Recently, my fiancé (yes, I'm engaged now!) has expressed many times how he wishes he could take away my struggles and pain. I think my most common response has always been that he would not be able to survive a day in my head. In fact, I usually say that most people would not be able to survive the troubling mind that I have. If I were truly honest about how my mind operates, the depth of darkness clouds a significant portion, but it is only by the strength of God that I am able to still carry on and live out my life each day. I will carefully claim that the amount of negative thoughts and critical self-talk that filters through my mind on a daily basis would be too much for the average person to handle.

Of course, I don't want to discredit the amount of progress that has been made through treatment and years of therapy, as well as the fighting of said thoughts because I am still working to lessen the negativity. However, I only share the troubling of my mind to share what it is like for someone living with mental illness. It is not just for Anorexia of course, but for all the other mental health disorders that I face. It helps for me to explain it like the game of chess. I've never played, but I know that it takes strategy and intentional focus. My mind is sort of like a chess board where the opponent is Ed (black pieces to represent darkness for metaphorical reference) and my player is Hope (white pieces to represent light for metaphorical reference).

The game itself could be thought of as one situation in which I have to make a decision. In this case, let's say that it is almost dinner time, and I am supposed to eat a meal. Hope desperately wants to make a move that would mean that I make myself or heat up dinner, but the issue is that Ed has already blocked the spot that Hope wants to reach. She tries a different route, but again, finds herself trapped or blocked. The game continues and she repeatedly tries to fight with positivity and logistics of why it is important to eat full meals but ends up finding herself having to break the rules of the game, bending and twisting them a bit, only to find herself right back in the middle of a mess. This breaking of the rules is a bit like restricting the amount of food I eat because technically I am still eating dinner, but just not the full amount. In a way, Ed still won the game even if Hope technically trapped the king because she won by cheating.

That is just one explanation, but of course there could be many others, especially if the game is thought of as life itself. It is an ongoing chess match that never ends. There may be some days where Hope makes a move that she is thrilled with and there may be other times where Ed has taken out a knight or a pawn. This is the reality of a troubling mind and the chess game that you rarely win. However, I have hope that one day, Hope will be the reoccurring victor, and the long hard days of Ed's reign will come to an end. After all, I'm here and I'm thriving even despite the troubling of my mind - resilience shines through.