Attempt Reflections

It was only a year ago that I was in the hospital for my 6th and I'm claiming it as my last suicide attempt...and it was one that taught me a lot. Sometimes I still think back to my numerous hospital experiences from being in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) to the psych ward units and as difficult as they were, I would not change a thing. If you're wondering why, it was because of the people that I got to meet and the fact that I got to cling to God in a way that is not commonly experienced unless you are at rock bottom with nothing.

This reflection is not one that will have me dwell upon the guilt and shame of all my attempts and especially last year's...but I reflect on it to share that suicide attempts are real and that suicide prevention is a VERY important topic that needs to be addressed in many different areas and walks of life. I am especially thankful for being an Ending the Silence (ETS) presenter with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) now for over a year. It has been a great blessing to be able to be a part of such an amazing organization that is putting in the work to educate others on mental health and to share the warning signs and resources of what to do when someone is in a crisis or thinking of hurting or killing themselves. This month especially, we have had an overflow of requests to give presentations due to suicide prevention month, but I'm hoping that the requests continue to grow to bring more education and awareness to people of all ages - in schools, the workforce, and in the community.

When I share my story at a NAMI ETS presentation, I usually start off by expressing who I truly am aside from my diagnosis before explaining my childhood and what caused my diagnoses. I then mention my suicide attempts and hospitalizations which of course does make me sad or feel something in the moment when I talk about it. Part of me does regret them, but another part of me recognizes it as part of my story and that it has made me more resilient and stronger over the years. As I reflect on last year especially, I can see that God has always placed people there at exactly the right time when I needed them.

If it were not for my fiancé and a dear friend of mine fighting for me regardless of me pushing them away, I would probably not be here. If it were not for the doctors and nurses that responded so quickly, I would also probably not be here. If it was not for the other staff and patients that I met during my time in the hospitals, I would not have been able to pull myself out of the depths of despair. And of course, if it were not for God, I would most definitely still not be here. BUT God has always had a plan, and I recognize now more than ever why he has saved me over and over again to continue fighting to live this life.

After recovering in the ICU and general hospital, I was sent to a psychiatric hospital where I was shown firsthand by God that it was not a place that I belonged. I met two girls that were exactly who I was 5 years prior and in the darkest pits of suicidal thoughts and self-harm and I met another woman that was in the depths of an eating disorder so severe she could not see it for herself, just like me in the previous years. It was very eye opening for me and showed me that I had the choice and the opportunity to step away from that and my past self to move forward into the light of living a fulfilling life. I had the chance to choose to fight for a healthy life.

That is exactly what I did and for the past year I have been working hard in therapy and in my daily life to find what works best for me and what does not. It has been difficult living with Borderline Personality Disorder and the endless mood swings that are very emotionally taxing on both me and my loved ones. However, I have made so much progress that I cannot ignore because for the first time this summer, I was without a direct caretaker and was the most independent I have ever been. Of course I still had the help of my service dog, family, and friends, but it was definitely proof to myself and the psychiatrists that said I would never be independent or live in society - and I'm proving them wrong!! Anything is possible and "all things work together for good for those who love the Lord" <3