Apologies to the Ones I Hurt

I don't think a simple "I'm sorry" will suffice for what I put my loved ones through...especially those closest to me. I pray that you continue reading until the end...it's not every day that someone publicly shares all of their wrongdoings. So, let me show you the inside of my mind when I have hurt those that I love...the negative thoughts spiral out of control...I'm the most selfish person that has ever lived and existed. I'm the worst friend in the entire world. I'm incredibly toxic and make relationships all the more complicated. And the worst part about my spiraling mind...is that it's entirely true, showing itself when I become upset, feel (emphasis on feel, not truth) like my trust has been broken, or I don't get what I want. And frankly, I have been spoiled because my loved ones walk on eggshells around me. They may say that they don't...but I can see that they do because for some reason...I still always get what I want, even when it's wrong.

It's like I'm a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off with a trigger being any and everything that doesn't sit right in my own mind without considering those around me. And the worst part is that I don't become aware of it until the bomb has already gone off and then the regret and guilt set in so much so that I think about taking my own life again. I don't say this to ask for pity or for responses to tell me that I should not say these things about myself. I am sharing all of this because I am hoping to reach those that I have hurt, especially one person in particular just recently. It has been a pattern in my life to lose friends, family, and jobs all because of my inability to regulate myself emotionally when things don't go my way.

The pattern started in high school when I lost my entire group of friends because I called them "fake" and said many other mean, hurtful things after they did not save a spot for me to sit with them at our orchestra banquet. In college, I lost many different jobs, saying hurtful things and threatening to kill myself because I felt like I was being treated unfairly. Shortly after college, I lost a best friend, who I was a bridesmaid for in her wedding, because I felt like she did not regularly check in with me and she was not able to make it out to help me in a time of need. Then, just recently, I lost a best friend who I considered a sister just because I also felt the same thing and that she was not able to help me out this summer, which as you can see, is the same thing that happened just a couple of years prior, causing similar feelings to resurface. It's inexcusable, because I tore people down when I should have been the one checking in on them.

My expectations are too high...I know that...I can't expect my loved ones and the world to cater to me and my every need. I'm incredibly self-aware about my impulsivity, reactivity, hurtful words, actions, and wrongdoings, taking full responsibility for it because the Holy Spirit convicts me every time. So, you may ask me what I'm doing about it. Know that I'm working incredibly hard to change myself, but that it takes time...I can't undo any of the things that I have already said and done, but I am working incredibly hard in therapy and with my family to try to change the root and core of myself that I have taught myself to be.

This is not an excuse but an explanation...to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, this struggle with interpersonal relationships is the very criteria that gives you that diagnosis. It is not genetic, but it is a learned, selfish, incredibly self-destructive personality that was learned based on trauma and life circumstances that have hard wired me in a way that is undesirable. To be diagnosed, you had to have lost relationships based upon impulsivity, hurtful words and actions, and destructive ways. BUT...you can heal from it...and I am trying my absolute best each and every day to unlearn and rewire my brain to not be that kind of person. I hope that the people I have hurt can at least see and recognize that.

I know that things will never be the same with any of the bridges that I have burned, even when trying to reconcile if they will give me the chance, knowing that I may hurt them again. I can't promise that I won't because every day that I'm still alive is a learning curve for me and a chance to practice being a better version of myself, but I know that I will still slip up based on who I am as a person. I know that it is hard to ask of my loved ones to still stick around me, knowing that there is a chance that I could turn on them. I know that this does not give anyone the reason to trust me with anything, especially not with their life and what goes on in their world, but all I ask is for understanding that this is as hard for me as it is for anyone.

I have been the most convicted lately that I am not representative of Christ when I behave the way that I do to get what I want or to cause others pain because I am hurting too. I actually admitted this to my Bible study group and asked for prayer to not be that kind of person. It is my temptation and struggle to fall into the grasp of my emotions and reactivity based on those feelings and I have openly shared that in my church and with the people around me to help pray that I can be free from that bondage of emotional reactivity and to be a true friend and loved one to those in my community. Please know that I am trying incredibly hard and that I wish I could take back every single thing I have done or said wrongly and everything that I have written and admitted here in a public blog post. I know that I have no place to ask for second or third or fourth chances, but I hope that by the grace of God, people can still forgive me and stick by me despite the very ugly, hateful parts of me.



"I'm sorry" is not enough and I know that, but I hope that my recognition of that might mean something in the long run and to reconcile what has been lost. My true heart still deeply loves and cares about the people I have hurt, and I hope that they know that I still love them dearly, no matter what.