Depressed Stares

You would think that the busy seasons of life would drown out the voices...you would think that somehow the buzz of chaotic scheduling and routines would make the darkness subside...you would think that running from place to place, never sitting down at home, would keep you protected from your mind. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me.

October has been a very busy, chaotic month which was to be expected in some ways and unexpected in others. It also happens to be National Depression Education & Awareness Month, which is why I have chosen to talk about depression. You see, my depression is masked by high-functioning perfectionism and people-pleasing. People would rarely ever be able to tell if I am actually depressed or not until the symptoms have become too severe. It is only internally that I am suffering or in the late hours of the night that I find myself stuck in a depressed stare, staring at the floor, ceiling or walls (it just depends what spot I'm in, but usually I'm lying on the floor). I expel all my energy throughout the day that I'm left in a frozen state of sadness and pain...that's why my brain scrambles to understand the sustainability of recovery.

As I have grown busier with starting my own piano lesson business, publishing a 2nd book, starting on another project that I'm a linguist for, while also continuing to reception on the side and keep up with my social and church life, I can feel myself draining, little by little. It's not that I don't try to take care of myself, because I do...but it becomes easier to forget. For example, in terms of eating disorder recovery, my mind does not automatically take into account that there is a meal that I need to eat in between said time and another time. Somehow, I can forget that eating is even a thing in daily life. However, I'm not letting my busy life stop me because it just means that I need to be even more proactive and protective of that recovery, putting boundaries and reminders in place where they need to be.

Of course, I am worried that my busy schedule will somehow compromise my recovery and health, but I will for sure be keeping an eye on it and taking the time that I do need to care for myself. It has come to my attention that achieving dreams and aspirations in life come with some sacrifices, and recovery will not be one of them, however, if I have to struggle a bit more with my mental health and silent depression, then I will do what it takes in order to make a difference in this world and bring God glory through my giftings. As I mentioned before, I am someone that is high-functioning, even with depression. Let me explain some more...

Somehow, I have been blessed at being able to multi-task, meaning that while I am doing reception things at work, I am working on my personal things on the side, whether that be writing, reading, answering emails, creating music teaching materials, updating my resume, website, or anything else that needs to be done. It makes for a very productive time, but also an incredibly draining one that I don't realize until my head has hit the pillow at night or I'm driving, on my way home, trying to keep my eyes open or to prevent them from tearing up. Oftentimes, my evenings do end in tears or a depressive stare.

So, through all this, what I hope you take away is that if depression is staring you in the face...I would personally stare right back and challenge it. I know that it is easier said than done and it takes practice, but I have full faith in you! I will be telling myself this as well because there is a reason why I can still get out of bed the next morning and do it all again. It is literally staring depression in the face and telling it "no, not today." Don't let it stop you from living this precious life that you have! Don't let it stop you from being the person that you were created to be!

And there's your pep talk for the month that I hope will encourage you to do something inspiring as we approach the holiday season!