Broken Hearts

I wish that I could tell you that this wasn't the story. I wish that I could tell you that there were not broken hearts because of my story and what I did that day. I wish that I could tell you that suicide stories are not the reality...but we know better than to say that. In honor of Suicide Prevention Month, I share the story that took place just a couple weeks ago...

I was doing well in recovery. I truly had a different mindset and a different outlook. I could see that my heart was changing for the better. I could see that there was a bright future ahead of me, and the enemy struck, wiping my feet out from under me. In a moment of weakness, I landed at rock bottom again with a 6th suicide attempt that put me back in the hospital's Intensive Care Unit (ICU). I thought that I would never see a room like that again. I thought that I was far beyond that temptation...but I was wrong. I was wrong because I am still human, and my sad temptation is a matter of life and death. However, this time was different because even though I lay in a hospital bed, my fighting spirit was stronger than ever. I had a will to get better.

This is sadly not the case for a lot of individuals, especially for individuals that I met during my 8th psychiatric hospital stay. There was a woman I met there that told me that she would never stop trying to take her own life and my heart broke. I held her hand as she cried to me and wished that there was more that I could tell her, but sometimes there are not enough words in the dictionary to meet the depths of one's pain. It was enough for me to just be there with her in the moment and reassure her that she was not alone, that she was seen, and that she was heard.

There were two other girls that I met, barely even 20 years of age that were the exact replica of who I was when I was their age. It broke my heart as well because I used to sit in their exact spot of darkness that seemed to cloud out all else. I held their hands as they cried to me and as I tried to share with them why it was not worth it to harm themselves, how they would one day regret it, and the hard truth that recovery is a choice and they get to choose the path that they walk down. I met another woman that was in the depths of an eating disorder but could not see for herself just how sick she was. My heart broke silently for her as I slipped her a note on my way out the door, hoping that one day she would be accepting of the help that she so desperately needed. She also reminded me of myself and the days that I was bound to a sick body through the control of food. However, that is no longer who I am.

This psych hospital stay was unlike any other because I knew that I regretted the previous suicide attempts and especially the most recent one because I felt like it could have been prevented. There were so many measures of safety put into place and my support system was there, but I was pushing them away as the enemy whispered lies in my head that no one cared enough. The care and love were clearly in front of me, but I was blinded in weakness to what was right before my own eyes. Just because I felt like I was not getting a response from the one person I wanted it from, I blocked out the rest of my loved ones and the rest of the world and I'm truly sorry from the depths of my broken heart. Other hearts broke that night. The people that care and love me so much were broken hearted that I tried to run from them once again - that I tried to run from life once again.

After my time in the ICU, the cardiac unit, and the psych hospital, I will say that I came out stronger and more recovery-minded than ever before even with all that my body endured. My heart desperately hopes that this can be the same for others, but everyone's journey looks differently. For those that are struggling with suicidal thoughts, know that I see you and understand you and that I've been there before. The fight is long and hard, but it is worth it in the end because even if you can't see it now, this life IS worth living. There is a God up there that loves you beyond measure and has such a beautiful purpose for you here on this earth. He will place people in your life at the right moment and the right time to be there for you and to show you the depths of His love. He will give you community that wraps the warmth of His presence around you and ultimately, He will be the one holding you through every struggle and hardship this life will ever give. You are never alone.

For those that know someone or have loved ones that deal with suicidal ideation, know that I see you too and that it is difficult to be there for people that have this struggle. It can be taxing, and it can be a lot to ask but know that it is worth it because you are saving a life. Don't ever be afraid to directly ask the question, "are you having thoughts of suicide?" Don't ever be afraid to check in on them or ask how they are doing. The temptation of suicide is deadly and scary, but it IS preventable from not only the people surrounding an individual, but of the person themselves if they put in the work and the preventative measures. For those that advocate for suicide prevention, know that the work you are doing is seen and it is such a blessing!

Continue to be encouraged my friends - there is ALWAYS light at the end of a tunnel!