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On The Outside Looking In
Janna Herron • Sep 20, 2021
Living with Mental Illness
I smile...almost always, especially in public. I laugh...a lot, especially with loved ones and friends. I socialize...always looking to make a new connection or a new friend, especially since you never know what could come of a relationship or the difference you could make. I help...it's in my nature to lend a hand, especially when I see someone in need. I strive for success...trying my best in everything, especially to better myself and those around me. I dream...believing the sky is the limit, especially since all things are possible with God. So what is the problem?
Many would say that it is all in your head...and...they're not wrong, but where they are is the fact that it's not a choice and it is out of our control. Let me tell you a little bit of what exactly goes on up in the brain...more specifically, my brain...of someone living with a mental illness, or in my case, a few of them. I should say that here is your ***trigger warning*** and where you should STOP reading if you are triggered or uncomfortable with the thoughts that goes on inside the head of someone that deals with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, an eating disorder (ED), self-harm, and suicidal ideation. I say please for the sake of your own mental health, but for those that would benefit from this in better understanding those that struggle on a daily basis, I give you "On The Outside Looking In."
No one knew. It was easier that way. I walked down the hallway in school, smiling, waving, catching up with friends. On the outside, I looked like a normal kid with a relatively normal social life. What no one knew, was the fact that every time I walked down a crowded hallway, I was internally screaming, fighting the urge to flinch whenever someone would get too close or accidentally bump into me. My heart was racing and I had to remind myself to breathe, telling myself that I only had to make it to the classroom and it would be fine. Friends would comment that I walked too fast and I just played it off as that's just who I am and that they "walked too slow." Humor. Sarcasm. I'm told I'm funny even though I'll deny it and that just seems to make people laugh harder. However, what they don't know is that I am constantly deflecting, meaning that I'll use whatever I possibly can to make sure that you don't ever see the struggle and panic inside. It's easier that way. I am obsessively watching my back, looking around while pretending that I'm just a curious person when I'm out in public, but in reality I am in a constant state of fear and my fight or flight response is on edge. PTSD does that to you. Your heart is pounding majority of the day when you are out and about until eventually you hardly even notice and the hand tremors from adrenaline becomes just another part of your daily life. You adapt and make the best of it, but even then a loud noise, slamming door, screaming, arguments, flashing emergency lights, a tap on the shoulder, someone standing behind you, familiar traumatic places, faces, memories, or even certain words or phrases can send you spiraling into a flashback...then, at night it leaves you with nightmares. There's literally no escape and I feel trapped in a cage. Everything fades away and you're left in the past, only snapping out of it when someone calls your name, even then your mind feels foggy and disassociated like you forgot what just happened. Your memory and ability to remember things comes and goes because of this constant back and forth. How did I get away with hiding this...simple, I'd just say that I was thinking about something and then apologize for not hearing what someone said before asking if they could repeat it. Most of the time, no one questions it and even if they do, trust me, I've got dozens of excuses and things I could say. My hiding tendencies always work in my favor...that's what happens when you get too good at hiding your darkest secrets, that is, until you hit a dead end.
I have always cared way too much about what people think of me and when I am out in public, my mind is constantly running, wondering who is watching and who could possibly be judging me. And the worst part is...I can't turn it off...I'm always thinking about doing things "perfectly" and it is absolutely exhausting. There's this mask you put on to meet expectations and standards that you believe people have placed on you even if it might have never been directly told to you. It didn't have to be, because when you have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), you automatically worry that people won't like you if you don't do something a certain way or say something exactly right. You worry that you won't fit in. You worry that you won't make your family proud and it doesn't matter if they tell you that you do because your brain tells you otherwise. You worry that you'll forget to do something, so you are always making a list and checking your planner like 50 times a day. You worry that you will miss something important, so you are always checking your phone and opening up your email like every 5 minutes. You worry that something terrible will happen because your mind is catastrophizing and going to the worst case scenario, so you take precautions and obsess over details since you never know what could lead to a disaster. You worry about how you look and so it takes sometimes up to an hour to choose what to wear the next day, and yes it has to be set out the night before because you'll be late if you try to pick it in the morning. You ask questions for even more clarification even though it might not be necessary because you just don't want to mess anything up. You worry about the future, having to have like the next 10 years planned out, or at least the next year planned out completely because if not, you feel out of control and helpless. You worry over unnecessary trivial things like the fact that you haven't cut your fingernails and they are getting long, or the fact that you haven't alphabetized your bookshelf and one day you might not be able to find a book you're looking for (which is totally unrealistic, but my mind actually thinks these things...). And the list could honestly go on, because that is exactly what anxiety does to you...it's time consuming and it keeps your mind running...constantly...and when it gets to be too much, that's when a panic or anxiety attack sets in, leaving you unable to breathe properly, shaking, sitting on the bathroom floor to be away from people, nauseous, dizzy, unable to think straight. And what's even worse...you do everything in your power to make sure no one knows. Once I felt an attack coming on, all I had to do was tell someone that I had to take care of something, step out for a while and return as if nothing had ever happened. It was easier that way.
I feel like I am a failure, especially for having a mental illness. That is what my brain says to me and don't get me wrong, I fight back and tell myself that it's not true, but that doesn't make the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness go away. Living with major depressive disorder (MDD), you are constantly fighting with yourself, having those internal arguments throughout your entire day, every single day of your life...think about how incredibly exhausting that would be. It's like fighting with someone every single minute of the day, yelling, screaming, all of it...all...the...time. No one knows the turmoil that goes on up in my head. I can be doing homework and my mind is screaming that I am doing a horrible job, that I can't do anything right, that I'm not smart enough and never will be. The amount of focus and concentration it takes for me to get things done is unreal and sometimes I'm left with a headache afterwards...but of course, no one knew because I still accomplished a lot and turned out on top most of the time. I can be out with friends and the thoughts are yelling that no one likes me, I become sensitive, losing friends sometimes in the process, insecure and clingy, pushing people further away. In the logical part of my head, I know none of that is true...but the disordered part takes over and feeds me these lies until I start believing more and more that they might be reality. My judgement gets clouded and I start to lose sight of what my future holds for me. I start to forget about the people around me and retreat into a world of isolation while somehow barely surviving, still upholding my social, perfectionism status. When people ask me how I'm doing...it's easier to just say "I'm fine" or "I'm good." It's easier to hide behind a smile or laugh and accomplishments, but honestly, internally I would feel nothing. The world fades to grey and everything becomes numb to where I am simply moving through the motions and just doing what I'm told without second thought. Distractions and having an overwhelming busy schedule would feed my isolation because despite being in a room of people, I felt even more alone and I could just continue to stuff down my emotions, hoping to never let them out. It's hard to get up in the morning...taking at least an hour because you have to convince yourself that you can face the world that day. Sometimes you don't want to talk or be around people at all. Other days I find myself laying on the floor completely lacking motivation, crying, curled up, whispering for God to just help me. That is the raw truth...several breaking points along the way that I never wanted anyone to know. It was easier that way.
My insecurities about myself and people liking me falls into an even deeper hole. Now this I was the best at hiding...food and me don't get along and neither do my emotions. I don't even consider them a part of me...it's so much easier to push it all away. The meals I stared at for hours at the dinner table were hardly ever finished, and other times I snuck the rest of my food to my cousin or the dog. Those snacks that my parents would sometimes give to me in case I'd get hungry would just go to a friend or into the trash. School lunches were the easiest to skip, or I could trade things away for healthier options that other kids didn't want like their piece of fruit. And before I go any further, yes I feel extremely guilty by the amount of food that I've wasted over the years...but please understand that my mind screams that it should go anywhere except into my body. Surviving on protein and meal replacement drinks became a cycle at different points in my life. The restricting-binge cycle is real and it is also exhausting. I'm obsessed with calories counting, my mind won't stop thinking about what exactly I eat and the nutritional value. I again fight with myself when I am craving something, but having to tell myself that I don't need it...my eating disorder telling me that I am already big and I can't afford to add anything else to the scale. My mind tells me that I hate myself, that I don't like my body and I cry knowing that God made me in his image, but it is so hard to find it in me to love myself when I feel beyond broken, shattered, and am not even able to see the real me because of my distorted image when I look in the mirror. I throw out food when I panic after emotionally eating excessively and I don't even want food in my sight whenever possible, absolutely dreading whenever I have to eat out. People don't notice because I fake self-confidence in how I look or dress and I'll still eat when I am out and about, but that means excessive exercise later...and if I completely finish my plate, did you know that I ordered the meal with the least amount of calories? Ever wonder why it takes me forever to order when out somewhere new? Breakfast is a nonexistent meal for me on the regular, and you better believe that I am always thinking about my next workout and how I'm going to push myself past my limit once again. Dizzy spells, spotty vision, heart palpitations, and fatigue are second-nature to me...some complications of atypical anorexia and I just never mentioned it and so no one knew, that is until now, so to ED treatment I go.
The downhill spiral is a familiar feeling. You automatically know when your mental illnesses are drowning you and you dread what is to come. Thoughts become darker and darker with each passing moment and for me it reaches a point where I fear myself. Unfortunately that fear makes me fight even harder to ensure that no one knows what is really going on in my fragile state of mind. I start to beg God to put me out of my misery because I can't think and I am jumbled and all over the place. I beg Him to take me home because I just don't see a purpose in living in emotional pain every single day. My ability to cope with distractions goes out the window because I stuffed my emotions and thoughts for too long...the self-harming starts up again and I lose the willpower to stop myself. It is addictive because it makes you feel real and alive for a short moment when you just feel so numb inside. For those that have never experienced this and I hope that you haven't, it would be impossible for you to completely understand. You think we are causing ourselves more pain, but in reality we actually don't feel the pain because the feeling of being in control overpowers that. Eventually, things continue to head downhill when we talk about the battle with suicidal ideation. This is also a constant fight. I could go over a million reasons why I should stay and write out all the names of people I love and am thankful for, but even that does not stop the thoughts from forming. I feel like such a burden, especially if my loved ones knew that I might need help. And yet I keep quiet and do my best to hide it because I'm scared I'll be judged and we are told not to talk about it...the stigma silently indicates that successful individuals or role models shouldn't even struggle with this...it is a topic that is avoided and people are uncomfortable, being quick to judge, saying that we are just attention-seeking or selfish...and yet that is the exact thing that leads us to actually attempting. I'm blessed to still be alive and receiving the help that I need, but others are not as fortunate and my heart breaks that our society was one of the main reasons that pushed them to their end.
Check up on your loved ones...it's often the people that seem like they have everything together that are falling apart the most. That saying that "no one knew..." needs to be the thing that comes to an end, not a life.
Let me voice the truth...when I attempted to take my life about a year ago, I honestly did not want to die...I merely wanted to escape my dark mind and the unbearable amount of pain, expectations, anxiety, depression, insecurities, flashbacks, and exhaustion I was in because I saw no other way out. And I got help and continue to get help still today...and let me tell you, it is the best decision I could ever make for myself, and even though it is the hardest one to make, it is easier this way. It is easier because even though you will still struggle, you have other individuals that you can relate to. It is easier because you gain coping skills and tools that help you fight. It is easier because the more you are open, the more your people know how to help, the more they might understand, the more you educate the community, leading the world a step closer to being safer and more accepting of those living with mental illnesses. It is easier because you learn to eventually love yourself and see yourself the way that God sees you...His beautiful child. It is easier because you will have days where you look forward to all that is in store for your bright future even if it is hard to see it in the moment...in the long run, it is worth it. You are worth it!
There is so much more that I could say...the mind is so complex and the intricacies of mental illnesses and how they impede my daily functioning is a lived experience, hardly justified by a few paragraphs on a blog. However, I hope it provides some insight and a look into my mind in all my vulnerability. I hope that it brings about a bit more understanding, especially in the fact that this invisible disability can be hidden from the outside and may never be noticed by some in your life until it's too late, so never judge and take anyone's behavior personally. I hope that it gives those that are hurting the strength to reach out for help when you need it...and that you find what you are looking for on the lifelong healing journey, whatever step you take first. Know that you are never alone and you are loved beyond measure! <3
September is Suicide Awareness Month.
If you or a loved one are in distress, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
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God gave me this poem today as I was driving, talking with Him, tears streaming down my face...
In Honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (NEDA) ...trigger warning if you struggle with an eating disorder, specifically Anorexia, please read with caution or refrain from reading if you do not feel like you are in a "recovery-oriented" head space.