Perfect Anxiety

It's like a ticking time bomb is about to go off in my chest, and yet each tick is perfectly on beat (the musician in me knows). The rhythm is clean, fast and maybe even speeds up and slows down, but the beat is still there...tick, tick, tick...reminding me in its own perfect way, that I'm still here - a heart that apparently does not listen when I tell it to calm down.

The ticking clock of a heart is just one way to explain what living with a diagnosed anxiety disorder is like...that's why it's perfect, because it is always the perfect reminder that your mind runs a little differently than other people. My mind is constantly running and the only thing that can help to shut it off at night, is to have music playing as I fall asleep...and even then, sometimes my heart is beating loudly in my ears and the voices in my head demand to be heard. And I'm medicated for my condition (that's a whole other topic we could get into another time) and it is still a daily struggle even with professional guidance and a great support system...so my heart goes out to those that are struggling on their own and I pray that you seek help.

This month is NATIONAL MINORITY MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH and know

that if you are a minority, people are fighting for you and there are resources available to you

 just like there is for anyone else that would want to seek help!

https://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Bebe-Moore-Campbell-National-Minority-Mental-Health-Awareness-Month

https://www.mhanational.org/bipoc/mental-health-month

Crisis Hotline: 988

You may wonder what could possibly be running through my mind all day, every day and that's just it...it can literally be anything, jumping from topic to topic or constantly streamlining questions. What do those people think of me? Did I say all the right things? Did I say or do something wrong? Will that make someone mad or upset, or worse, disappointed? What if I mess everything up? What if I self-sabotage and don't even know it, or worse, what if it's somehow on purpose? Am I meeting everyone's expectations...no, am I going beyond everyone's expectations? Am I achieving my own expectations that are probably unrealistic anyway? Is everything going as planned? If not, then I either shut down or panic, but sooner or later I've learned to pick myself back up and try again.

That's the other part of this perfect theme, I'm a perfectionist too. So you know what that means...I'm constantly replaying conversations I've had, scenarios, or interactions in my mind trying to make sure that I said or did all the right things and even when I try not to, I spend way too much time thinking of what I could have said or done differently, wishing I could take things back, or trying too hard to explain myself or "fix" it even though the person or group probably forgot about it already. I obsess over organizing things, mostly in my own space and feel anxious when something is out of place, and then of course in work or school, I want everything to be perfect too, even though realistically I know in my mind that I can only offer my best and nobody expects perfection.

And yet I still carry around this weight of expectations with me of what I either know, but mostly "think" people's expectations are of me. It becomes an awfully big burden to bear and I know that in the bible, in 1 Peter 5:7, it says

"Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you,"

and I try really hard to and have to do this on a daily basis, but my mind just races and I have to sometimes beg God for it to stop. Thankfully, sometimes I do get a break...mostly by imagining that Jesus is giving me the biggest hug and that I'm handing him a swirling ball with all my thoughts and worries. He takes it, breaks it, and for a while, I feel free until all that anxiety comes creeping back again, but it helps and I hope that maybe it will help someone too.

Here's a list of things that I have tried that have temporary relieved my anxious-filled mind, but know that even if temporary it still makes a huge difference because everyone deserves a break!

• Imagining you're giving Jesus (or whoever you would like) something (an actual items that contain your anxiety) and they break it
• Journaling (but not getting lost in it, because that can cause more anxiety)
• Talking to a counselor or a loved one you are really comfortable around (enough to not be worried about being judged)
• Watching a tv show or movie (sometimes it is helpful, sometimes it is hard to focus on it, just depends on how you're feeling)
• Listening to music (really listening to the lyrics or singing along)
• Playing or improvising on a musical instrument (for me this is piano, because I can play how I'm feeling and imagine releasing it)
• Ripping paper or scribbling (SO therapeutic!) 
• Using fidgets or deep breathing
• Making a "therapy box" where I have fidgets, slime, coloring books, word searches, crafts, cute Disney-themed inspirational quotes (but you can make it your own!)

Again, I will say, temporary makes a huge difference, because when you live with an anxiety disorder, it is a daily battle of fighting your thoughts and a cycle of calming yourself down when your heart starts to tick just a little too quickly...to the point where you can barely catch your breath and you start to get light-headed. It is never a good feeling, but it is what we live with and I have learned to live with it and accepted it as another part of my story and testimony. I hope that reaches your ears as encouragement that even in the midst of struggle, God will use your story for good and I hope that he uses this post as encouragement to anyone living with anxiety that God has got you and he will never let you fall completely, even when you feel the ground slipping from beneath you and even when you think you've hit rock bottom - he will be there, and that I can promise you.