Summer Memories

Recently I've had the time to dip my toes in the pool while reading a nice novel, or to sit by a pond of fish and feel the breeze. I've been blessed, because this is the first time I feel like I am having a real summer. A summer where I can relax. A summer where I can just do life. A summer where I can let myself be free. Sure, we are in the process of moving...again. But somehow, I am still finding joy in the midst of all the stress -- that is the true blessing.

As I sit out in nature and thank God for his creation and all he has done in my life, I cannot help but let my mind wander. Even with all the counseling, I still haven't figured out if that is a good thing or not -- reflecting on the past reminds me of how far I've come, but also, it brings back a darkness. So as I remember the memories...my summer memories, know that I am somewhat trying to let go. Maybe one day I won't have the constant reminder of them, but to simply live with the fact that it is a part of my story and I can move on -- we can all hope.

Honestly, I don't remember much about my childhood summers up until high school. It seems I've blocked out a lot of memories from my younger years, or so I've been told. But about my summers in high school, I made some great memories at a lot of the camps I was at, but there was also a deep pain in my heart. I was not wanted at home for various reasons and so I was sent from camp to camp. Church camps. Music camps. Academic camps (more like a college prep program). You name it. It was exhausting and I felt shoved around as if there was no stability or structure and the frustration just built over the years.

So when I went to college, you would have thought that I would have liked to slow down and really enjoy a summer for once...wrong. There was this void in me and so I threw myself wholeheartedly into work and school, even into the summer, to the point where I would juggle working at camps while also holding other jobs on the side. Babysitting. Dog sitting. Piano accompanying. Playing in a band. Resident Assistant. Marketing my published book. Again, you name it. I pushed myself too far, I'll admit it. Perhaps it is my greatest regret...but of course, let's not dwell on that.

The past two years was a real living nightmare, as I'm sure some of you know from reading my blog and parts of my story that I have published. After two college summers of working myself to death, literally, I crashed and ended up in the hospital. So the summer after junior year, I spent my time in and out of psych hospitals and at a long term treatment center in New Mexico where I was neglected. Perhaps this is part of my story that you have not heard before and that is because I have not talked much about how I was treated at this specific center that was supposed to be caring for me. Don't get me wrong, I made lasting friendships there and some of the staff, I really connected with, but overall, the system failed and I got sent back to TX -- thankfully. Maybe I'll tell you more about it sometime...just maybe.

My mom promised the doctors to take care of me and so I was blessed to do an outpatient program while we lived in different hotels. That was stressful by itself, having to jump from hotel to hotel, living out of a suitcase and for me, trying to live in society again. The following summer, last year, I was completing another outpatient program in Georgia after spending months in other residential treatment centers. It felt like the treatment cycle would never end...but after two years, I've been 8 months free! I pray constantly that with God's strength, I will continue to do life well and I know there is no shame if I ever need the additional help again, but the goal is to stay as mentally healthy as I can be.

I'm sure you're probably wondering why I share my story and why I chose to write a summary about my summers. Most people would certainly shy away from being open about mental illness and how it has impacted one's life. But I don't want to be like most people. I want to be open about it so people will talk and hopefully ask questions and understand. I am specifically telling you about the past two summers because I want you to really see how special this summer is to me...how much it means to have a real summer to myself and to share it with those in my life when I've been torn away from my loved ones in the past.

I can still feel the pain that I felt and the tears that I cried when I sat in those treatment centers, longing to just be with my own support system back home. You have no idea how much I cherish hugs and conversations from those I love now, when I used to take it for granted. Not anymore. When everything you've known has been ripped away from you, you learn to appreciate everything all the more and to truly thank God for his blessings. So this summer, as I sit out in the unfortunate heat, by the pond, I thank God when a breeze passes by, because you just never know when you won't be able to feel the sun on your face and the wind blowing through your hair.