New Outlook

For the longest time...I truly believed that I was incapable of healing from my traumatic past, therefore meaning I would always need the eating disorder and maladaptive behaviors to cope for the rest of my life. I did not believe that recovery could be for me, which is perhaps, the reason why I was always half-hearted and still found ways around certain expectations and healthy living. That is, until I recently started a Christian Living reading journey that has stopped me in my tracks. It has rocked me to the core and opened my eyes to how I should truly be looking at my life and the world. This is my new outlook.

I am capable of healing. I am capable of living this life. I can be who God made me to be. It is my choice. I can choose to let my past block me from the future God intends for me, or I can choose to let that past lead me towards becoming a better person. I can choose to let the past dictate who I am, or I can choose to embrace my true identity in Christ. I can choose to let the past hinder me from success and keep me hidden in fear, or I can choose to be empowered towards bigger and better things. It is a choice. Never before have I been given this ultimatum. Never before have I realized how much control I actually do have in getting to choose the path for my future or for who I want to be in this life and for the legacy that I want to leave behind.

When it comes to the past, there are both the mistakes of others that have impacted us, but there are also our own mistakes that have added to trauma or our suffering. It may be time to reflect on what was not our fault and how we may be able to start a healing journey towards mending those wounds. Perhaps it is more time with God, in Christian community, or seeking professional help. It may also be time to reflect on our own mistakes and what areas we might need to ask for forgiveness or accountability in staying on the right path. For the past few months, I have deeply struggled with purging as an additional maladaptive behavior under Anorexia Nervosa. I thought that I had it under control. I thought that everything would be okay...but the physical condition of my heart told me otherwise. It scared me into thinking about what I was doing to myself and my body.

I have recently been even more open in conversation with my treatment team and loved ones about how they might be able to come alongside me in the recovery journey to truly help me heal and overcome this struggle. Although I wish it will be an easy journey, I know that it is not and there may be many more days of crying on the floor. However, for the first time...I truly want to get better. I have never wanted anything else in my life this desperately before. I have never actually wanted to recover for me and for the future that I could have if I was healthy...until now. The desire to get better has never been so strong and I pray to God that it continues and that His strength lights the way. I pray that I am still encouraged along the way, even when things get tough. I pray that I can see that recovery is a beautiful thing and to learn to respect my body for what it does. I pray that my heart stays true and starts to believe and see that my body is created in the image of God.



Hope is alive. The new outlook on recovery is a healing journey that I am wholeheartedly embracing. Am I scared out of my mind? Yes. BUT I am trying my best to trust that this is truly what God wants for me. I am trusting that He wants to bless me in this life and that He has a promised land in store for me, even here on this earth. As much as I want the healing overnight, I know that I have to put in the work. Just like connection requires action, recovery means taking the necessary steps and making the daily decisions to nourish and care for my body, even when my mind and negative thought spirals might tell me otherwise. It means making the difficult choices that are healthy for me instead of caving into the self-destructive patterns that have too long, held control over me.

This is me promising myself that I will do my best and fight with every breath to give myself and my body the life that it was intended to have. It at least deserves the chance. I hope that you might find it in you to give yourself the best fighting chance too. <3