Borderline Moments...

For the longest time I was in denial about my BPD diagnosis...I mean...no one, absolutely NO one...would want a BPD diagnosis. Afterall, it is one of the most stigmatized mental health disorders. The number of therapists that have rejected me after seeing this diagnosis in my chart just reinforced the belief that I was incapable of recovery...that I would always be stuck in a chaotic cycle...BUT I am more than a BPD diagnosis.

The Borderline moments throughout my lifetime have been some of my most shameful moments, but also some moments of strength and resilience. As I am not yet too open about talking about this struggle of mine, I will stick to simply educating about some Borderline moments that may be misinterpreted as bad behavior or that someone with BPD is incapable of being a contributing member of society.

• Emotional Instability: the mood swings are the most frustrating part in my opinion...the rapid shifts in mood are confusing and disorienting. There was a time where I went from having a great time, engaged in conversation, to pulled over on the side of the road, unable to function and regulate myself. BUT. Even though emotional instability is difficult to function with...it DOES mean that people with BPD are some of the most empathetic people you will ever meet. They will be your shoulder to cry on, and they will be the ones to even celebrate the small wins with you.

• Identity Crisis: it is difficult to look in the mirror. Sometimes I have no idea who I am or who I want to be. The rapid shifts in identity are just as confusing and disorienting as the mood swings. One moment I think my identity is tied to whoever is in the room, and the next moment, I think I'm the next big thing. One moment, my identity is wrapped up in an eating disorder, and the next moment, I'm that "perfect" Christian girl. BUT. Even though having a constant identity crisis is debilitating...it DOES mean that I have many big dreams. It means that I have many talents, curiosity to learn all that I can, and an endless list of opportunities that leaves me exploring adventures that many would not risk exploring.

• Self-destructivity: this is the scariest one on here...because the thing I fear the most...is myself. The capability to cause my body to be pushed to the brink of death, to be tortured, and abused...is warped with guilt and shame. Even at the lowest point in the hospital Intensive Care Unit (ICU), I would still tell the doctors that I was okay. Clearly, my body said otherwise. The fact that I can cause myself to self-sabotage and self-destruct is horrifying and also, very confusing. BUT. Even though the self-destructivity causes chaos...you'll realize that on a good day, I hold tight to a hope unlike any other, and I am able to appreciate the little things in life. I notice the details and when I use my strong-will to strive for recovery...the sky is the limit.

• Rocky Relationships: a common misconception is that someone with BPD is incapable of having healthy relationships. Are there challenges? Yes, of course. BUT there are challenges in ANY relationship. My challenges might just look different than others and more boundaries have to be put in place and open communication has to be a top priority. BUT. Even though there has been some rockiness in relationships because of my instability at times...you'll find that I love more fiercely than most, am incredibly loyal and protective of those that are in my circle. You'll find that I am extremely intentional and will go out of my way to care for my loved ones and those around me.

• Impulsivity: if you think that you get intrusive thoughts...you do not want to live a day in my mind. And the scariest part is that sometimes those intrusive thoughts don't stay thoughts...they turn into impulsive actions which then have lasting consequences. I'll reference that one time that I jumped a fence from my residential treatment facility and ran away. Unfortunately, that led to another stay in the psych ward and many more consequences. It's not that I was trying to be bad or act out in some way...I just felt so distressed and trapped, that I needed out. And so, even though impulsivity causes all sorts of issues throughout life...it DOES mean that people with BPD may also be quick to act out of the goodness of their heart. They may be quick to respond to someone else in crisis, during an emergency, or be the first one to volunteer for that one task that nobody else wanted to do.

• Fear of Abandonment: desperation more accurately describes this and the looming fear of being left alone in the world, which could be true for someone with BPD that is not receiving the professional help that they need. This intense fear sometimes leads to drastic measure in order to keep people in their lives, including threatening to hurt or kill themselves. It is shameful to admit. BUT. Even though fear lurks in every corner and abandonment is a real fear...know that this was cultivated throughout childhood and it is not intentional. The fear also allows those with BPD to see the needs of others than many might overlook, and to put those needs of others before their own.

I hope that this gives you a better glimpse into the mind of those that have been diagnosed with BPD and know that this was all told from my own experiences, and I want to acknowledge that BPD varies from person to person. Borderline moments do not define someone with BPD, but they can help others to understand them and know how to best support or encourage. It is my hope to share more in the future and to fight the stigma against a BPD diagnosis...because I am just a person too. <3