Pushing Past Chaos

I’d be lying if I said that this past month was an easy one…because it has been far from easy. In fact the past few months have been extremely difficult as I have been having many suicidal episodes, leading me far too close to ending up back in the hospital…BUT God…He has been picking up the pieces every single time I shatter, over, and over, and over, again. The mood swings have been unbearable and I am scared to be with myself…in my own mind…where the darkness pushes to take over and chaos wants to reign. 

I am beyond blessed that God has placed so many people in my life that have shown me love beyond measure and have proven to me that they will not give up on me. As scary as it has been…and what I have been putting my loved ones through…God still reigns and He never lets the darkness win. Because even when I hurt myself…He heals my wounds. Even when I purge…He embraces the mess I am. Even when I slip up and run back to the chaotic world…He finds me again and draws me back to Him. Even when I hold those pills in my hand…He stops me and somehow His peace finds me…even in the depths of my pain and distress where I’m blinded to His goodness. He never leaves me. 

The poem below is my deepest struggle of Borderline Personality Disorder, but remember that I am NOT defined by a diagnosis…it is only there to help others relate and hopefully to help people understand. By sharing this poem…I am reminding myself of why I keep fighting, of why I choose every single day to push past the chaos. The struggle is real, but I AM STILL HERE and I will keep fighting - for you (and hopefully one day, for myself). 

- Creating Chaos -

I wish I could tell you why…

I wish I could tell you how…

I wish I could tell you what goes on in my mind…

It’s a void.

It’s a catastrophic storm.

It’s unpredictable…

and yet it’s a cycle -

a cyclical tornado that causes destruction.

It leaves no survivors.

It leaves no bystanders.

It leaves me crying.

It leads me close to dying…

and yet the chaotic realm of my world feels so satisfying.

It feels familiar.

It feels like safety and bliss.

It’s a confusing mess.

Somehow it’s the only home I’ve ever known.

An abusive childhood will do that to you.

The traumas of my past broke the path of my future.

It blurred the lines.

It caused a fog and a mist so intense that it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other.

It brings the darkness.

It’s as if a cloud lives over my head.

The darkness draws me in.

It taunts me.

It tempts me.

It entices me to my chaotic safety net.

How twisted is this?

Kindness suffocates me.

Grace chokes me.

Love drowns me.

My mind says I don’t need it.

It says I don’t deserve it.

It says I’m too broken for the good things others give.

So I run to the chaos.

I throw myself into the chasm.

I create the chaotic world around me.

I starve myself.

I cut myself.

I scratch myself.

I binge, then purge.

I isolate myself.

I push my body beyond the limits of its capability.

I push people away.

I say hurtful things.

I attempt to kill myself.

I tell loved ones to stop fighting to keep me here.

Each breath feels like a stab to the chest…

and yet…

those loved ones are the reason why I’m still here.

They are the reason why I keep fighting.

They are the reason I wake up each morning.

They are the reason why I try to see reason.

Creating chaos is my sinful flesh.

It is my deepest struggle - my fault and temptation.

It is my weakness - my downfall.

It is what my body is drawn to…

even though I desperately wish that it wasn’t.

I wish that my struggle was not a matter of life or death.

I would trade anything to have a different struggle…

and yet here I am,

taking painful breaths and fighting every second of every day.

For my loved ones…

I’ll keep going.

I’ll keep fighting.

I won’t let the chaos dictate my future.

I won’t let the darkness win.